2009

I'll finish 2009 the same way I started it. I was single, had close friends and overworked.
Without sounding upset or depressed about it, I want to say that I mostly like this year was completely wasted and while I do mean that, I guess I did learn some things along the way. I worked far more than I should have, but I’m better off for it and I can live the way I want to because of it. I fell for a girl who I’m sure will be the last girl that fits my ‘ideal’ type and that’s fine. I’ve got to learn to grow up about things. I’ve still got the same friends that will let me have my time and space and then welcome me back with open arms and I truly appreciate that because I need it. I fixed some small things, I made more money than I thought I would and I guess I made small personal growth.

Overall I couldn’t complain. I’m alive, I’m well and I’ve made things the way they are.

It’s also a new decade in a couple days and I’m okay with that. I’ve had my teens, I’m over my teens and I learned from my teens.

Lets hope we all get through another 10 years.

Again

I don't know what to say, I've been speechless ever since I brought it up.
My stomach feels weak and I've got motivation to do anything but sleep.

I called you out on something you've done wrong for the entire 8 months and you turn around and tell me why you're upset with me?

I've given you the world, I'm still here for you even after I have many reasons not to be and all you do is continue to slap me in the face.

I'm done being disrespected. Have fun with the guy that doesn't care and hits on your best friend.

You don't know what a relationship is.

I've said this to a few people recently and it was sort of shrugged off but after a painful 3 hour conversation last night it became even more clear to me.

I'm a total mess and I don't mean the sort of mess I was when I said this a few months ago, I mean its getting really tough. I see my closest friends and I can barely paying attention to what their saying, not because of what their saying or who they are, but because I'm just completely disinterested in everything because work has completely taken over my life and my mind. My days 'off' are spent dreading the next day I've got to work and every week I keep telling myself "it'll get better next week when I have a few days off" and then of course I get the call that I have to work another 3-6 day stretch because my coworkers who have worked considerably less than me 'need' to take 2 week vacations. Maybe this would be fair if I made a half of what they do, but I don't.

I've put myself in this situation. I'm a total pushover and I do anything anyone wants me to.

The only good that has came out of this is that I have a great amount of money saved, more money than most people are able to put as a down-payment on their homes.

The down sides are that I've hurt the few people who really care and love me and I don't have any time to do the few things I like doing.

I can't hurt you anymore and I can't allow myself to be the one to drag you down, I'm sorry and I'm going to suck it up. I forced myself into this.

Job extended until March, possibly until June. Still going to live at home and I'm split on how I feel about that.

If I don't get sent to service desk(if things work out when I'm there is another issue) I've got no idea what I can do.

Man, if I could do things differently I would.

I realize and accept that I am incredibly hard to deal with, be around, converse with and love...I'm sorry.

Today

Its incredibly hard to imagine and its even in some ways scary but today marks, unofficially, 6 months of being with her. I feel great, she loves me and I love her - not that it matters. We're happy, I'm over my hangups and I think she is too. I can't really pat myself on the back too much for this but in many ways I'm proud.

I'm a good enough guy that I could get a girl who didn't want anything serious to give me a chance. Who I am played a big part in getting a girl who didn't want to care, to care. I'm not THAT bad and I was 'good enough' to make someone realize that.

Half a year, a quarter of two. Insane.

I don't know how any of this will end up and I haven't cared in 2 months but I know that you brought me back to who I was and I'll always appreciate that.

Its all happening, isn't it?

Let me first start this by apologizing to myself for keeping everything inside for too long but, to be honest, the rare moments I ever want to say anything 'out loud' are so few and far between that all emotion just sort of builds up.

The outlook seems relatively great. I'm about to get a 'long term/full time' job, I'm in a pretty healthy relationship and I somehow continue to keep friends who can deal with the fact that the majority of the time I don't really want to see anyone.

I'm okay, really. I'm freaking out and that's fine, that's normal. The time I have to 'grow up' could shrink from 2 or 3 months to 2-3 weeks and as I guy who cracks under pressure, its weighing on me.

I think I'm okay, I have a great support system and I have far too many people that are willing to put up with my shit but trust me...there isn't anything I appreciate more.

I'll try my best to give a huge update on what is bothering me, making me happy, keeping me calm and worrying me this weekend.

I'm getting older, the clock is ticking and its time to make some decisions. I can't keep letting myself wait to find out what happens or what job I can fall into next.

I've got to change things.

Call me old...

I don't want to 'party', I don't want to forget what I did the night before...I just want to relax.

I don't know, I don't care.

I just wish something was moving forward.
I don't want to stay at this pace, I don't want to fall behind.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

Man, the future is kinda scary.
Sure I'm off to a good start but in 4 months everything will look even more blurry than it does now.

I just want to settle, I just want to be an average person - who works harder than most other 'average' people.


Who knows.

Go to school.

So yeah, fine, I'm overwhelmed.
too much at once, its always hot outside and the fucking neighbors dog bit me.

The last thing I needed was this reminded that no one is any different than me - or anyone else.
No trust, no loyalty, no respect, no honesty and apparently no remorse.

You have been such an amazing disappointment and I really feel bad that I've fallen for all of this, but when everyone else thinks its 'great' - I tend to believe them.

I can't wait to leave, I can't wait to forget you, I can't wait to find someone who won't let me down and I can't wait until life isn't so up and down.

I should've stuck with Lindy while I had the chance.

At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be.

So I left, that is it.
That’s my life, nothing is sacred.
I don’t keep friends, I keep acquainted,
I’m not a prophet, but I’m here to profit.

That’s all, I’m gone!
That’s my life, nothing is sacred.
I don’t fall in love, I just fake it.

Fun. - Aim and Ignite. Album of the year.

I still do this.

Nicotine in the morning,
Ecstasy in the afternoon.
What else should I do?
I'm so busy chasing you.

No, its not a burden to be so completely incoherent all the time.
We get by just fine,
with our cheap thrills and red wine.

I am not your best friend and I am not the best man.

This

Tell your friends, "hey come over and we'll talk, you bring the drinks - I'll bring the bad news.
Everyone feels like you.

Tell your Dad to come over and we'll talk, you bring your drink - I'll bring the fuck you's.

Young man, you're not alone.
Tell your girlfriend you need her to be there because you can't sleep with your mind on all these things.

I want to get away, even for a year.

Victim

It hasn't bothered me that I'm only half of who I could be and I think thats because of the scenery around me. I can look to the left or right and rationalize any stupid decision or purchase. I accept it and I move on. The past week or so, once again, have differed from the previous couple weeks and I'm having a really good time trying to keep up. A few things have been consistent and as much as I was sure I didn't care if they were there, I'm glad I've got all of the things I have - regardless of how much I need it.