Essentials:

Frank Zappa - Apostrophe and Hot Rats
Bright Eyes - Lifted...
Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction
Between The Buried And Me - Colors
Owen - I Do Perceive
Cursive - The Ugly Organ
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of The Moon
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue and Birth of the Cool
Tom Waits - Bone Machine
Rx Bandits - The Resignation

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works?

Narrow Stairs

I turned 20 a month ago today and when I noticed that this morning I was actually pretty shocked, I feel like that happened months ago. This has been one of my more productive, eventful months. I suppose I'm still 'with' the person I want to be 'with', I'm working enough(for now) and I've been hanging out with all of the friends I've been meaning to.

I go away to OC for a little under a week on Friday and while I'm not sure what'll happen, who I'll see or what I'll do I have the same empty optimism about it that I have with most other things. I think it'll be fun, entertaining to say the least.

I never understood why people drift apart and I'm pretty sure I've done nothing wrong, so I'm going to go ahead and place all of this on you. You've done and said everything you can to make sure that I know this isn't real and trust me, it has been overly effective. I know you're young and I know flings and things that don't matter much take precedent over the 'scary' things like finding someone that makes you forget everyone and everything else. I can't be upset with you for knowing what you want and holding to it, in fact, I respect it. I just hate explaining how 'this' works and I hate that all of my friends are so happy for me because like you've told me, this isn't 'it.'

I don't know what is happening, I don't want to go over it again and I don't really care.
I just wish things were the way they were 2 weeks ago or that I knew why they aren't that way now.

I deserve whatever makes me happiest and you know that you are what makes me happiest.
You deserve the same, you just need to figure out what you want before its too late for it to matter.

Floating World

Life would be so much easier if I just didn't give a shit about anyone.

People don't do much but let you down.

I really wish I was going to have this same job for 10-20 years.

Anything 'less' leaves the opportunity for there to be more.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

The way these 'blogs' usually start out are with me stringing together one collective thought that may eventually end up being the theme. Today, however, I have no individual thought that could sum up the train-wreck that has become of my mind.

I don't even really know where to start, you know?
Nothing is real, nothing is contingent and nothing is settled.
I wish I could coherently explain to you why I'm so fucked up but there are feelings at stake, situations at stake and you wouldn't get it.
Maybe I don't get it.

My problem is that I care too much, I want too much and I expect too much.
I went too fast, too soon and trying to get back to the pace I need to be has taken almost all of my energy these past 2 days.

If anything, last night showed me that this may not be the end of the world.

Wish I would've gotten out more.