Essentials:

Frank Zappa - Apostrophe and Hot Rats
Bright Eyes - Lifted...
Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction
Between The Buried And Me - Colors
Owen - I Do Perceive
Cursive - The Ugly Organ
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of The Moon
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue and Birth of the Cool
Tom Waits - Bone Machine
Rx Bandits - The Resignation

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works?

Narrow Stairs

I turned 20 a month ago today and when I noticed that this morning I was actually pretty shocked, I feel like that happened months ago. This has been one of my more productive, eventful months. I suppose I'm still 'with' the person I want to be 'with', I'm working enough(for now) and I've been hanging out with all of the friends I've been meaning to.

I go away to OC for a little under a week on Friday and while I'm not sure what'll happen, who I'll see or what I'll do I have the same empty optimism about it that I have with most other things. I think it'll be fun, entertaining to say the least.

I never understood why people drift apart and I'm pretty sure I've done nothing wrong, so I'm going to go ahead and place all of this on you. You've done and said everything you can to make sure that I know this isn't real and trust me, it has been overly effective. I know you're young and I know flings and things that don't matter much take precedent over the 'scary' things like finding someone that makes you forget everyone and everything else. I can't be upset with you for knowing what you want and holding to it, in fact, I respect it. I just hate explaining how 'this' works and I hate that all of my friends are so happy for me because like you've told me, this isn't 'it.'

I don't know what is happening, I don't want to go over it again and I don't really care.
I just wish things were the way they were 2 weeks ago or that I knew why they aren't that way now.

I deserve whatever makes me happiest and you know that you are what makes me happiest.
You deserve the same, you just need to figure out what you want before its too late for it to matter.

Floating World

Life would be so much easier if I just didn't give a shit about anyone.

People don't do much but let you down.

I really wish I was going to have this same job for 10-20 years.

Anything 'less' leaves the opportunity for there to be more.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

The way these 'blogs' usually start out are with me stringing together one collective thought that may eventually end up being the theme. Today, however, I have no individual thought that could sum up the train-wreck that has become of my mind.

I don't even really know where to start, you know?
Nothing is real, nothing is contingent and nothing is settled.
I wish I could coherently explain to you why I'm so fucked up but there are feelings at stake, situations at stake and you wouldn't get it.
Maybe I don't get it.

My problem is that I care too much, I want too much and I expect too much.
I went too fast, too soon and trying to get back to the pace I need to be has taken almost all of my energy these past 2 days.

If anything, last night showed me that this may not be the end of the world.

Wish I would've gotten out more.

Mediocrity is a killer.

Back to Reality

I'm moving after this job is done. I don't care where, I don't care how, I don't care for how long.
I was reminded tonight that everything I have right now, everything so 'great', is going to go away.
I'm getting past that and I'm sucking every great emotion I can get out of them now because I'm going to need it to move on.
My life, especially, has been nothing but the memories I've made and so now that I'm in a great situation where I know my deadlines - I'm going to make everything as special as it should be.

I almost left a few months ago, which is something nobody knows, so surprise.
I didn't because I figured it'd be too hard to do it and I got the extension at my job. I figured "Hey, December gives me 9 months to save up and plan everything out." I've tried to figure out something here and if, by chance, I do stick around and find something - thats cool but I do know that I'm going somewhere for a good bit. I love it here and I love most of the people I've been lucky enough to know but for all of the good and great people and things I've found here, nothing has ever stuck and thats what I need.
Fortunately, at the moment, I'm perfectly fine with what is bound to happen. I put myself in this spot, I want to be in this spot and it only makes it all the more worth it, to be honest. Yeah, it is fucked up optimism and it is me holding back a little bit but still...

Selfishly, I think I deserve to be one of the people that get out and finds a better life and again, I KNOW that I could do that here but to be honest, the bad around me here has and always will outweigh the good. The mere thought of knowing that there is a place where no one knows my name and no one knows what I've done finally looks appealing to me. I've always been one to think its wrong for everyone to want get away but in the past 3 or 4 months I've really understood it.

I don't know if I'll read this in 4 months and feel stronger or weaker about it because I don't know what can happen by then, at this point, I don't know what'll happen next week. I just know I've worked hard to get everything I have right now and I've worked hard to make sure people know exactly who I am, even if they don't take the time to find out for themselves. If someone decides I'm worth the effort, I'm worth the time and I'm worth the work then thats great, I think thats the best decision someone could make, to be honest. I have a few things that are really fucking wrong with me but at the same time I have some quirks that make me a hopelessly devoted guy - to anything.

I know exactly how my life is going to go for the next 2 or 3 months. Who could be selfish enough to ask for anything more?
I'm excited about everything and I feel completely, utterly invincible.

And like you said, 'this' isn't going to end. It's just going to change, change is nice...it saved my life.

You can tell I'm over-tired, I'm sure.

Fun fact?
I've tried to write this four times today and I've gotten lost after the first few lines almost every time. I haven't liked much that I've written lately because when I'm feeling good and I'm kept busy, I don't have much to bitch about. Who wants to read about someone being happy all of the time? I don't.

Regardless, there are still numerous voids in life and the future still hangs over my head like a black cloud. Fortunately for me, I'm still stuck in 'be happy in the moment' mood and its working out great. Last month and this month have been two of my best months financially in a long time and I haven't been this happy emotionally since, fuck, 2 or 3 years ago - and I consider that part of my life a phase, at this point.

I think another reason I haven't written much lately is because I found someone who makes me want to talk these things out instead of turning them all into sentences. It's a blessing and perhaps a curse. What if there is something I need/want to say that I shouldn't? There isn't anyway I'd hold it inside, I never can. I love the honesty and I love that I just don't fucking care anymore but I hate hurting peoples feelings. I'm sorry I don't like most people and I'm sorry I don't like most things but you can't get beat up about it. Trust me, I feel like I'm an amazing person but you wouldn't want my life. I set things up to be like this, I DO want it this way.

I'm going away for a week on the 30th, I'm sort of excited because it'll be nice to have a week with nothing set in stone and a new environment but I'm a bit skeptical because you all know I love having everything planned out. That is another thing I'm learning to adjust to pretty quickly because while I do have most of my week planned out, things change and nothing is really confirmed and I'm getting comfortable with it. I have certain things I keep on a weekly agenda and they usually get done. Still haven't read Paul's screenplay but I did write my 'story.'

I prefer writing like this, you know, just talking. Whatever I want to say next I can, it doesn't have to have anything to do with what I wrote before it. I love structure more than most people I know but when I talk and when I write, I want to say whatever the fuck I want to say about anyone I know. I want them to read it, I want them to feel it and I want them to know how I feel because you'll never win any battles keeping feelings buried inside of you. Do you want to lose battles all of the time? Losing sucks, man.

Also, completely unrelated, Jason Fletcher wants to kick my ass. This dude is an idiot and all he did was contradict himself when 'threatening' me. Typically I'd be scared but, fuck, this kid is like 16 and he has a fucking Fox Racing tattoo.
SERIOUSLY. A Fox Racing tattoo.
Can't make that shit up.

Enjoy life, guys. Don't worry about the petty shit(like Jason Fletcher trying to be witty via text message) and treat everyone you meet the way you want to be treated.

It feels great being a "good" guy.

Excerpt

"I’m not going to worry about the people I hurt or the people that hurt me and I’m not going to worry about the letters I wrote and the words that I’ve waited to hear but have fallen on deaf ears. Neither should you. Live your life and take your time – we all have too much of it."


from story/mess/failed experiment.

"Ex Box"

Looking back at the ashes of who I was,
they shaped the path to who I've become.
I know you can you feel it,
but do you believe it?
I'm alive and well.

I don't place the blame on anyone,
I just follow street signs and drive the open roads.
We all have the same plan, the same dreams.
We all belong to something.

I'm here,
I'm fucking glowing.

I'd stop the world and melt...
I'd stop the world.

Now that its 'kosher'

You're an amazing girlfriend.

Finally

I'm about 1/4 done the rough draft of my first story.
The premise is this:

A 22 year old gets restless in his Psychologist's waiting room, thinking about all of the things he's kept inside over the years he decides to write a letter explaining the last fews years of his life and how it would've made sense to be open and honest from the start.

Edit: Rough draft finished, to be edited tomorrow.

Playing Possum For A Peek

I'm made up of instincts.
None of which are too keen.
But I get by with these high cheekbones, little faint in people or a higher being.

I'm a man with desires.
If I told you any different I'd be a liar.
As hard as I've tried I've found I can't deny myself those things that I want.

I'm convinced after your performance that this world is too big for us
and our stupid instincts and our stupid desires.

In The Morning and Amazing.

This is a perfect example of one of my main flaws. I over-think too much and I worry about everything.

I'll start with this, for once: The first word that comes to mind to describe how life is for me right now is perfect. Things aren't perfect but trust me, they are near perfect. I have more 'friends' that I can see, I'm in a relationship with an amazing girl who, in less than a month, has treated me better than anyone else I've ever been with, and I have an amazing job making a lot of money.

This is exactly how I wanted things to be and it feels great. Once again, I can't stop thinking about the fall-out process that is going to ensue and you know, I really do have an outstanding bout of confidence and optimism that I'll be fine with whatever happens. This is all so surreal to me but I do get this much:
It took me 2 or 3 months to get myself to be the person I want to be, it took me a little over a month to look like the guy I want to be and it even took ONLY 8 months to let the things I want from life to fall into place. They did, they are here, I'm ecstatic and as nervous as I am that I'll miss a beat or fuck something up. It never seems to happen.

I'm glad I get drunk and let things that a 'boyfriend' typically shouldn't tell his 'girlfriend' slip out sometimes because that's the way I've become. I don't ever want to be afraid to tell anyone anything again and you've just made that so much easier for me.

Things fell into place, things are amazing and I am completely content.

I'll wrap it up with this: I still cherish the hours of the day I spend worrying about mutual feelings, the future and how things will end up because every time I'm feeling insecure someone or something comes along and makes me realize that I should feel great about what's happening now and the things that I DO have in place for the future.

I approve of this.

I've told 'my' story to a lot of people, many times.
A year ago most of you knew a different guy. I lied, I cut corners, I didn't care and I didn't put much thought into what happened next. Around November or December of last year I started to consider the 'big picture', I thought about why I was so alone and why I can't ever keep things going longer than a few months.

I was alone because no one knew and no one cared to know, who would?
All people knew about me was that I have deep tastes in music/movies and I drink a lot.
Between all of that, I am full of substance, ideas and creativity. I want to be different, I want to be heard and I want to be appreciated.
There are few things that I won't do for the people I care about and there aren't many things I wouldn't do for good friends. I love to laugh, I love to learn and I love to listen.

While 5th grade to 9th grade for me is a blur and it was 'fucked up', I don't really consider any part of my life - besides last spring/summer - to have been 'bad.'
In fact, I've had an incredible life and from 14 to 18, I got pretty much anything/anyone I wanted. I feel like part of the reason I like listening to everyone else's problems and issues is because I don't have many of my own and I never had anything 'tough' to go through.

What I find slightly odd is that I know who I was then and who I am now, yet I've never really had a 'positive' take on myself until about 2-3 months ago. Sure, a year or two ago my flaws were glaring. I wouldn't have liked me(although everyone did.) I think I was probably too hard on myself and I do it because I'm afraid of arrogance and I'm afraid to feel cocky and/or confident.

I say it a lot but a lot of people are still 'just' finding out.
I'm a great guy, I'm full of things to say, I want to be your friend and I want to have a good time. The leaf has turned over, people know who I am and for the first time in a long time I have more people to hang out with than I have the time. Anyone who thinks they are a 'friend' of mine probably is and if I don't see you, it has nothing to do with you. I like a lot of different people at different times, I go with what works. What has happened to me the past 2-4 weeks has been incredible and there is a new story for every weekend. I'm shocked that I can keep up and the summer is going to have even more thrills.

I'm keeping up, I'm staying happy and I'm learning. I'm growing.

End of tangent.
The point of this was to tell you all to take time to evaluate yourselves and how you feel about everything. Spend some time alone and take some time to think about what is most important to you. Do what your heart tells you to, don't let anyone hold you back and stay honest. Stay loyal, stay faithful.

Things have to get worse before you can consider anything better.

To be ignored?

I've never been with anyone as affectionate as you, you're adorable.
I love that you can't let go of me and I love that you always want to kiss me.

I'm going to go in the ocean for you.

Top 100 Indie Albums

I'm at work, so I need to post this here to remember to download it at home.

the list is here: http://music-mix.ew.com/2009/03/best-indie-rock.html


http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?edtyz12km2m
http://www.mediafire.com/?nddf3rnxtyz
http://www.mediafire.com/?n11odzdvqcz
http://www.mediafire.com/?4h1bge1cdh2

That tattoo just isn't funny anymore...

Tell me again where you were when the world changed and forgot about you.
If it's sympathy you need then I'm sorry but you're not the only one who feels cheated.

It's too close to home and it's too near the bone, more than you'll ever know...

I don't miss you. I'll miss you when you're dead.

Pace Yourself.

It is incredibly unhealthy of me to worry so much about every other line.
It's worse of me to find a valid meaning for every word thats said to me.
I know more than a few people who, although they will struggle in the long run, only put heavy focus on what's ahead of them THIS week, next week or the week after. It really pains me that I can't ever just focus on a week at a time. My expectations are too high, I have a good week and I automatically think "why should anything change that'll make next week less great?" Shit happens, feelings change and moods swing.

I should know.

There are 2 things in life that I'll always strive for and work toward. I want contention and I want someone to love me, know me, care for me and acknowledge me. I understand that it's very unlikely I'll meet more than one or two people that would want to offer me as much as I offer them, I mean shit, I'm a great talker but for the most part I hide behind words. I give all of myself to anyone I find interesting and while I don't expect anyone to really 'give' back to me, I've found a few amazing friends who have proven to be exactly what I want people to be.

You can't hold things in, you can't lie to yourself and you really shouldn't hide anything else. Are there things that I don't know that if I did, I'd be upset? Most definitely but I want that, I can handle that and I really can't settle for 'behind the back' secretive bullshit that has become a trait of almost everyone you meet.

Look, I talk a lot of shit about everyone but there isn't anything that I'll say about you that I wouldn't tell you in conversation. I'm not bragging, of course, maybe more people don't do it because they are afraid of the consequences. That's understandable, I guess, but I just felt so free and clear when I decided about a year ago to just say what's on my mind, unfiltered, all of the time. I've lost a few people, I've hurt a few people but at the same time I have their respect, they know I'll tell them what I think and how I feel.
I don't take sides, I don't want sides.

The point of this was to write how I over-think everything and how I'm too worried about what can happen in a month or so.
Heres the truth.
I have until December to really 'panic' and even then I have ideas. I don't give a shit if I'll be a year or two late on the "I need to go places and do things" train, I do and I will.

Life is fucking great right now and even though I'm really full of all the good emotions going around, I'd be really arrogant to ignore the looming danger.

I tell you this a lot but mainly I'm just happy you're happy. There isn't anything else I've wanted in years, to be honest.

Birth Of The Cool.

4 great things:

1. The great music I remember to download when I'm here on weekends. Miles Davis is doing the trick.

2. My 'girlfriend' is incredible, now, I may be slightly jaded because I'm with her but it's something really special and she knows exactly what to do and say - which should say a ton because a good part of my time is wasting over-thinking and worrying. Which brings me to 3...

3. The past week or so I've been kept pretty busy so I haven't really been able to worry myself sick, which is nice. I have a great support system and in the immediate future, I have nothing to complain about.

4. Nick is around again, which isn't only good because he is silly. It's good because he makes me silly. He watches a lot of old wrestling videos on youtube and has done more work than me the past 2 days. Weird.


You should listen to American Football, Album Leaf, Miles Davis, Dear And The Headlights, The Bled, Alexisonfire and Anthony Green.