It hurts me so much that I don't put any thought into anything anymore.

We hold the keys, we dream the dreams.
We're only know what we believe.

It's 2am, I haven't slept in a couple days, I'm afraid the future might change me.
We can't move with broken legs,
Don't pollute my mind.

Its not like anything you do today will matter tomorrow.
Go. Get drunk, drive home. Answer the phone.

I saw you in my nightmare, so yeah, I'm a little lost without you.

So, I guess I did it to myself but I fell asleep at 9:30 last night. I don't know that I was really expecting to see or hear from anyone, but I didn't.

You're real cute until you open your mouth.

"Oh my God, we're in for a storm!"
You woke in sweat for the 4th time this week and screamed.
"We're a mess! We're drowning in stress!"
I know where they keep the pills that fix 'everything.'

Hide under the stars.
I know where you are.
I know you can't be far.

Addiction won't win.
We live in sin.

I wake up in fear because I'm scared that one day I'll be as lonely as you look to me.

Empty like the bottles you throw in the stream.
Yeah, its a flood.
I hope you came prepared.

Hello, Hi, High

Hey Mike, it's important to know what this feels like.
Just stay home and sleep alone a few nights.

Every week, we don't speak.

My love works harder than your lungs.

"Things will pick up"

This is my 50th blog post. I'm in a particularly productive mood tonight so I'm going to strive to make it a solid one. I have a lot of thoughts and a lot to share. I also have 7 more hours here at work, yeah, work at 1am. tell me about it...


Here I am: Working a relaxing, boring and eventful job that allows me 12 hours to sit in a room and do nothing but think. I think of why I'm doing this, how I got here, what I'll be doing after this job doesn't exist and what everyone else around me is doing while I'm here. I can tell you comfortably that a good portion of the people I know are sleeping, it's 1AM on a Monday and although school is out, no one is at the point where their acting like it. Well, no one I know. I'm blessed to be here, not blessed to be alive per-say but blessed to have a job where I get paid a lot of money to figure myself out and allow myself to figure everyone I know out. I enjoy it, I enjoy the peace and I enjoy the freedom yet somehow, at times, I get carried away with what I think I may get away with here and I'll cut back on that.

On to what matters: The future. I am the kind of person who wants to know and strives to know what will happen months down the road but lately I'm not really tell you what I'm doing that week and frankly, I don't even care. I seem to end up with a better night if I only made plans that day and fuck, you guys know how much I love plans. What I think I settled with is that other people aren't like me and because of that I understand that 'its cool' if someone fucks some plans up because its on them, I can be mad at them - they can't be mad at me.

That leads me to another cool thing I've discovered: It's pretty rare that someone will get mad at me, I'm an easy going guy who, to a fault at times, doesn't really get phased by anything(other than girls, and people, who don't really know what they want from me) and yeah, it'll take a lot to get me angry. Who the fuck cares? We're young, we're stupid, we're unprepared and we're scared as hell. As someone I admire very much would say: "Take it easy, love nothing." Well, love some things. Love something that matters and love something that is a constant. Love what you know and what knows you and most importantly, love something that is always going to be there when you need it. People are objects too and maybe if we looked at it that way a little more often we'd realize that the same $20,000 cars we're so afraid to crash can be the same thing as someones priceless heart we aren't afraid to break at all. Sure, cars don't have feelings and you need to pay for them but you'd be really fucking naive if you thought you don't pay for all the love you receive and the hate you send out. Everything takes effort and everything takes patience. Sit down, have a beer, smoke a cigarette and wait it out.

You can't cheat life nor can you cheat death but unfortunately we can cheat love, we can fake love and at some point we all do. We all have. Maybe we all don't fear love as much we should because we can cheat it. Most are afraid to live and almost all are afraid to die because they are both things we know will happen. You never know if the person you love is where they say they are, you never know if the person you love is who they say their with and even worse - you can't ever know if the person you love is who you think they are. People have flaws, people don't all have good thoughts and very few people don't do things without bad intentions. Fear everything and don't welcome everything blindly.

If you read that last paragraph and you don't necessarily agree with it there are several different reasons as to why: You haven't been hurt/you are too naive to believe you have, You simply have a different opinion of life and love than me and/or you are jaded. Simply fucking jaded.

Hey look, I write some pretty sad stuff and I very rarely show how optimistic I am and its because I don't have to. I know one day none of this loneliness will mean anything to me because I'll be with someone great all of the time. Oh see, now I'm jaded. I'm not conceded enough to tell you guys to take my advice or even take my word on anything I've said in these writings because all of them are based off of my experiences with the people I've decided to deal with and not that you guys don't already know but most of them weren't the best people to be involved with and the way I see it, most of the new people I've met since Gabby have showed me that people have conversations, people have feelings, people aren't robots and people are capable of feelings. Everything I should have known a long time ago.

All we can do is wait.
All we can do is hope.
All we can do is trust.
All we can do is learn.

I want a lot of things right now and I've had a hard time prioritizing them in my head or on paper. I know what I need to do but for the first time since I was 16 or so it doesn't feel nearly as urgent as what I want to do.

I've done so much for myself and I do as much as my friends let me do for them.
I want to see the world, I want to meet 10 new people everyday and I want to wake up every morning with a day that is worth waking up for.
I am happy, I am sad, I am anxious, I am hopeful and I am disappointed.
None of that really makes sense but that's life sometimes.


Yeah, I feel like I'm alive. Lets laugh, lets get some drinks, lets share our lives together. You all can count on me. I promise.

meh.

I think that because I'm almost only really listening to music with little or no words now it's taken a little bit out of what I've been able to write.

I really I wish I could just pick or strum it out like some of these people do.

Listen to Mogwai, This Will Destroy You and Explosions In The Sky. You'll understand.

Make Yourself Sick

Last night was really hard and I can't tell if it was good or not. I'm sure it could've went much better but that would've caused problems and who needs more of those?

I might be really sick.

If something is really great you won't wander off so far from it.

This is what I meant to say.

Kristen, you were absolutely right this morning when you said that everyone is a letdown. Just because we can see good in people and expect that people can and will change with current events it doesn't mean that they always or even ever will. High hopes will be the death of us and we just need to start looking straight ahead at everything exactly how it appears, not the way we'd like to think it could be.

I'd love to be able to tell you all that I'm not scared of people but after the last year or so, multiple events and the things I hear and read everyday - it shouldn't just be me thats scared, everyone should. There is absolutely no loyalty, romance is dead and whoever just sent you that 'I still love you' text also sent it to every other girl that has entered his life. So, yeah, I'm at a standstill because out of the very few things that I actually would like to do with my time I can't really do them.
I'd love to smoke but throat hurts like hell, I'd love to drink but getting beer is such a 15 minute trek for me that I hold back so I only have to go monthly, I want to write an album but I can't write more than 30 seconds of a guitar riff I won't like in a few days. Maybe I'll learn piano/keyboard, maybe I'll find some friends and maybe this is all 'still' happening for a reason.

I told you that you restored my faith in people and maybe you did then but by going with your gut or whatever you're doing now you've also showed me that there was no faith to restore. Most people are awful, heartless and are only after what can help them in the now. I'm not as angry with you as people want me to be or even as angry as maybe I should be, I'm angry that you aren't different. I'm angry that you couldn't change my opinion. I think I hold you so high because you told me everything that was going to happen while we were still 'together' and in some fucked up and twisted way, that makes this easier for me.
It isn't you, its my problem with meaning something to anyone for more than a few weeks because while I admit I'm not fun to be around now and I'm not an 'awesome' guy to hang out with while you want to be a kid - I'll be the best person that most of you will meet in 5 years. What hurts is that I'll still think less of myself, I'll still cover up how I feel and I'll still be the guy that people come to for their boy problems when they know I'm the guy that they'll never have to deal with that shit from.

I really thought it'd be best to avoid the parties and 'fun' gatherings but you know what? If no one else cares about anything why the fuck am I wasting all of my time doing it for them?

I wanted to close this with "Lets get fucked up." but yeah, we already are.

All of these thoughts are so fucking store-bought.

All I can really say is that I did everything I could and for awhile I really was on top.
Now I've sort of reduced myself down to things I've wanted for a few months, things I thought I was over years ago and things that help me briefly forget the messes I keep making or getting caught up it.

On the drive home the other night I was thinking over how stupid and pathetic it is and was of me to go as fast as I was but it felt right and I needed it after the year plus I'd just been through. I feel better - I really do. I'm not sure if this is/was a temporary fix or something I'm going to hate myself for in a few months but I do know that continuing to worry about it isn't going to help.

I tried really hard and I did more than I ever thought I could.
Can't win them all, Mike.

Chloroform Perfume

You say so much without ever parting your lips.

Its past 3am and I'm still far from sleep,
and this is a habit I cant break.
My only company is skipping stones down a sub-suburban street.

She keeps on asking:
“Do you think it hurts much to die?“
It’s hurting so much more to stay alive now,
She’s gonna find out how much it hurts to die.

She laced her perfume up with death,
I can feel it in my lungs,
so I'll pull in the deepest breath and drop my head.



Hello my first name is distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again.