:)

I am a life-changer, I am a mind-changer.
This is easily the best place I've ever been in and I'm lucky for that because my life is such a progression.
Always getting better jobs, always getting in better places, always meeting a higher class of people.

Life may not get much better than this but it seems like its never going to get worse.

I hope you all someday feel as great as I do, truly.

Tough Titties.

From the last Facebook note:
"You've all made your mistakes too, right? Maybe I should get more credit because I don't hide them in a closet."

I like myself sometimes:)

hey you guyyyyyyyyyz

One liners are insane. I'm thinking about writing poetry/lyrics again.

Don't ever read my livejournal, some of that shit just pathetic.

Oops.

Before I say anything of substance or anything at all, really, I want to figure this out.

I should shut up and take things are they are.

Thinking has been fucking killing me this week, shit.

ahh.

I'm terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives,
and drowning in the pools of other lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony, get clobbered on by courtesy.
In love with love and lousy poetry.

I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense,
I'm losing all of those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it almost feels okay.

Ramble On.

I want to write here very freely about my experience turning 20, my experience at my 'birthday' party.
For the majority of the week leading up, I cared very little about my birthday, turning 20 and the events(albeit they did have 'fun' written all over them) planned for the day. See, very fortunately, the last 2-3 weeks I've been doing the same shit I did last night to 'celebrate'...almost every night. so it was no new surprise, it was no new party. What it was though was an experience with 2 great relatively new friends and a bunch of friends that I hope never get completely away from me. It's incredible how we can still act the same way together, NOT talk about old times and progress with the new ones - even if, in my case, they don't really know completely what I'm up to.

It was successful, the things I thought were going to be hard for remarkably easy because, to be honest, they should be.

It made more sense last night/early this morning than it has ever made sense to me before. Everyone tells me you have to live in the moment, take what you can and grab every inch of what you can get out of life while you can because you don't always have to worry about what's going to happen next.
Yeah, its me saying this, I know. I want everything planned and I want to have everything set up but you know what? If I can be happy doing what I'm doing and I SHOULD be happy, if not content, with how things are going then I will be.

I have to enjoy the things I have while they last and I can't waste time thinking about why or when they'll be gone eventually.
If I learned anything last night - and hey, maybe its a coincidence - it was that if something is meant to happen and you're in a situation with someone smart and alert enough to take the chance, they will.

I don't know where is going to go and I don't care about it, I don't want to be optimistic about it, nor do I want to be pessimistic...I know what it is right now, I know how it makes me feel, I know what it has done for my days. There can't be anything wrong with just taking that.

In conclusion,
I had a great birthday, I had a great week and I have - as far as I can tell - some really great weeks ahead of me.
I accomplished last night what I've been telling myself for about a month or two I'm more than capable of doing and you know what? It's awesome. It's great that even if it turns out to be those 4-5 hours, shit was as perfect as it has ever been. Even with her and even with her.

Did I say too much? probably but you don't hide from things, you embrace them.

Obligatory

So its the eve of my birthday and I've been brainstorming almost the whole day(at work) what to write tonight because I knew I was going to have a beer(or 2 or 3, as the case may be) and want to write. I have so much more to say and so much more I wish I was able to say.

See, I'm in a bit of a tough spot. I got myself into a tricky situation, for the first time in OVER a year there are certain subjects and people that I have to keep hidden from others, some close friends. Obviously not the person I am, nor the person I want to be. Am I still going to write about what happened? sure. Am I going to give too much away? probably not, this was kept well under wraps and who the fuck knows? maybe for good reason. I'm not completely sure if you'll read this or not but that doesn't matter too much, with you there hasn't been a single feeling that I've kept inside and after the ice was broken, I laid it all on the line. I know I told you I was fine and I told you I was okay and maybe I actually am and hopefully I really will be. What makes it a little worse is that it was there and it was amazing for about a week and as 8th grade as that sounds, its mutual and you do feel or you almost felt the same I did, and do. It's gotten slightly easier now that 2 days have passed, while I don't have any 'bad' feelings towards you and I doubt I'll ever be able to...I am angry, I am frustrated and I am hurt. Even if I haven't really told you that straight up, you know me well enough already to know that I am. I didn't know what I expected or how long it'd last but to have it fall apart just like that, even if it "should" have, it sucks. The best thing I manage to find in a year just slips through my hands and even though I'm the 'right guy for the job', we connect on a very high level and our schedules work out well...apparently they won't in a few months. So its cool, I need to stop being a fucking baby about this incident, its just tough. The good ones are very few and far between and lately, they haven't had much interest in me either. It's all very typical and I'm just very impatient.

You can tell me I'm "too good" all you guys want, I don't really give a shit. I'd really, really hate to think that people would pass up someone because they were TOO good. I've heard it 3-4 times now and its bullshit, maybe I should make less of myself?
Silly me for thinking that I should grow up, stop fucking around all of the time and hang out with friends that have real conversation. I'm sorry I don't want to have mindless sex anymore and I'm sorry I don't want to spend all of my money on drugs that further mask the truth.

Maybe this should end well?
It's my motherfucking birthday, do I care? Not really. I don't see any positive significance, even if I can't find much negative.
Age isn't anything but a number. It's all about who you are and how you mature. I know I'm a pretty good guy, if not great and I know I'm very mature for my ages, surprisingly, without being through much. I went through one tough breakup, I've dealt with a girl or two telling me "thanks but no thanks" and I've dealt with death once when I was in 5th grade.
I've told Angela this a few times and I don't think I've been in a situation where I've ever had to tell anyone else it, so I'll share:
If you take a couple months, or a few months like I did, to really look at yourself and figure out who you are and where you are you can really change your whole perspective on things. I got a lot deeper, I got a lot smarter and I became more aware. I can accurately judge most people just by knowing 2-3 blurbs about them, which is no talent, most people are almost exactly the same, its very little effort.

I meant to leave on a good note, right? Fuck, I've got so much to say.
I'm incredibly manic and I am such a mixed bag of moods. I really can't tell how happy I am with what I have right now but I can tell you that I know what an accomplishment it is for a 20 year old(in about 45 minutes.) I appreciate the things I have and I love the things I've done. Is it what I really want? I don't think so, you know? I'd like to think that I'd feel even slightly more complete if I had what I really wanted. My whole "teenage" life has been about girls, music, friends, never sleeping and light(?) drug use. I guess I'm not a 'teenager' anymore but I don't think I really have been for a year. Do I go out/stay up with friends on more nights than most people I know? Definitely...but I also work one great job and another decent one, spend little money and have a ton of free time to overthink things.

So, am I happy? am I okay? I'm getting there and I'm content. I strongly believe there isn't much of anything I can do to make myself happier. I spoil myself, the past few weeks I've almost always been with friends and I work a good amount. It's the people bringing me down and its my fault for getting to invested in almost everyone I meet. I get way too excited at the fact that someone gets me and someone wants to know me that I take it way further than they ever meant to...and to you, I apologize for that. I fucked up, not you and I'm paying for it...it was my mistake.

I could ramble on and on about a few other things but I really just want to drink another beer, listen to some Album Leaf and ring in my birthday thinking about the GREAT things I have: Best friends, money, solid job, free time, great family, great plans, great conversation, alcohol and NFL2k5. Shout to torrents, porn and Twitter because without you, Twitter, my life would be so much emptier. I'm glad you're catching on and I'm glad I got into it before it was THAT much of a trend.

It means so much to me that you guys take a few minutes to read these, I know they drag on at times and I know that since the Gabby saga is now complete there isn't much shock value but tell me this...how many of you knew how much I loved NFL2K5? how many of you know what that is? yep. It's almost my birthday. I've been drunk or drunk with friends every night this week and for a week I really figured would suck, its been great. Fuck, you know, I saw Nick last night. FUCKING Nick. my best friend is back, I'm so glad he missed me.

"And don't call me that,
Don't claim you love me,
Cause you know that ain't true.
My dire affliction I'll attribute to you."

All Chorus

"I'm the last man standing, oh shit, I'm all alone."

I know I wrote earlier but it was half-assed because I was playing NFL2K5. That game froze, irritated the shit out of me for an hour or so and now I'm full, tipsy and ready to ramble. are you? trick question, you have no obligation to read this. This is going to be rather lengthy, I've got a ton of shit to say and Angela encouraged me to write a lot.

Where to start?
Last night at around 10pm, Gabby decided it'd be an awesome idea to Facebook IM and question my Tweet about how Courtney's was closed on 4/20 because they're all a bunch of potheads. As it turns out, Courtney's is closed 'every' monday. Who knew? not me. She then preceded to go back in time to a blog or two ago where I make some reference, in detail, to her cheating on me with Chris. She told me how the 'cops are next.', even though I have complete freedom over what I write in these things and I said nothing threatening to or about her. After that argument she went on to tell me how I won't like it when she starts saying bad things about me on her page and I just preceded to tell her that if she can find one bad thing about me, she should go ahead and write about it. "Mike drinks too much." "Mike says 'fuck' too much." "Mike is creepy." There you go, Gabby, not only did I save you time but I also used proper grammar. Too bad you deleted me so you can't force yourself to read this shit anymore.

On to you,
Thank you for everything, thank you for helping me feel comfortable again, thank you for restoring confidence in me and thank you for keeping me busy for such a short, short time. It means the world, seriously, and I'm not bitter. Shit happens, things pan out. Wrong place, wrong time I guess.

One of the many things I've learned from being around Paul a lot is that he is heavily vested in the things he cares about and the things he's good at. I sort of want to take a cue from him and write more enough - even if it's scattered thoughts like these blogs. I don't have much I care about or that I'm interested. I like making money and saving enough money to live off of - I'm on top of that. I love football and I cover that atleast 3 times an hour and I love conversation and with a mix of my old and recent friends, I almost always have that covered. I like writing, I like having everything out there and I like leaving very little for you wonder about me. I'm going to try to make it atleast an everyday thing.

Why do I do that?
I figure that over the last 5 months more than enough people have told me I'm a 'great' or 'amazing' guy and person, maybe I should throw myself out there and so instead of waiting for people to notice me, they'll already have it literally at their fingertips.
Has it worked? Fuck no, no one new has came along and no old 'friend' has wondered 'how I'm doing' but you know what, it beats the alternative of feeling like I'm not trying to help myself out.

I am a networker. I Tweet constantly, I am very active on Facebook and I browse my myspace all of the time. I write atleast one 'blog' a day somewhere saying how I feel or something relative to how I'm doing. I am out there, I am trying and it hurts a little bit that almost every person I hang out with falls in love with the 'alive, quiet, silly' me but the people who can see every part of me on the internet choose not to.


I'm glad you all read these and I'm glad that I have the 2 or 3 people I have in my life that I can count on but you know what? I'm not so concerned anymore. Good things have to come to me and perhaps good things will come to me but in the mean time...I have my friends, I have my thoughts, I have my beer and you guys know where I live. Always welcome, door is always open. You all already know me, let me know you. Let me see past your face, reputation and internet hobbies...because for a lot of you, thats all I know.

Admit it.

The past two days I've walked in to 3 different stores that sell that alcohol for the sole reason of knowing how much cheaper it's going to be to drink next year.

On that note, I have a few hobbies and maybe one or two of them have sort of died out in the last year because of it hasn't been available to me. I love football, I refresh the same football site on my computer atleast 30 times a day and I get other football updates frequently sent to my phone. I also like listening to music that makes you think and then switching to a movie that makes me think. I overthink everything and while it is a curse, it's a slight blessing.

I've known a certain girl(well, REALLY known her) for a little over a week now and already she knows more about me than some friends I've known for several years...the trust is there and she actually cares, she pulls it out of me. She makes talking easier and thats something I wish I knew how to find more in a person because I'm generally terrible anywhere but behind a computer screen.

The past week, though, I feel as though if I wanted to approach a few of the people I'd seen I think I would've been comfortable doing so. I don't know many icebreakers and I'm not going be one of those guys that says some bullshit half-assed question like "how about this weather?" Fuck the weather, tell me what you've accomplished in the last year. Tell me what you hope to be doing in 3 months.

Don't sell yourself short, guys. Just because no one tells you something great about yourself, it doesn't mean there isn't anything there.
Think about it, whens the last time you really got to know someone?
It's tough.
Make sure everyone you meet knows who you are, they can either help you, hurt you or leave you alone but atleast you won't have the mystique of not knowing what their like.

I am so fucking redundant.

I'm under the radar here.
I'm pretty down but I'm pretty fucking upbeat about it.
I get myself in sticky situations that have great rewards at awful prices but you know what?

It's fucking worth it, it is so so so great and I don't care if I am in way over my head.

Today

I think I've gone through almost every emotion possible and it's made me feel really sick. I woke up happy, invested and excited and then as the day grew on I was just irritated, annoying and impatient. It's pretty typical of me to find out something great or have something great happen and just go on the notion, which works sometimes but in certain situations, I'm really fucking with myself. I don't remember much of this week because I've been drunk or dazed out, which despite what I say or what you usually read here - isn't common for me. I'm getting forgetful, I'm getting careless and I'm getting angry. I just start to think, start to wonder what I'm doing and what my real goal is? Realistically how good can this actually be, how can it last and how can it work?
As much as I'd love to get specific and leave you with nothing to wonder, I can't...this is something about how I feel all of the time.

Two nights ago I wrote about how happy I was, how progressive things were and how over anything I was and I am. I just have days, I have thoughts and I get new feelings every other minute(so it seems) that really brings me down and tears me up.
I think when I get good news I mask a lot the obvious bad parts by highlighting the good and while I'd rather be content than be whatever I was in November, I'm concerned. There is always a catch, I guess and eventually at some point all the chips will fall into place. I've got my priorities and I've got the people I feel like I need, I've had that going for awhile now and I can't see a total relapse unless things get fucked up.

I want to teach myself how to keep things simple, laid back and meaningless because while I do have 2 or 3 things that I actually care about, I obsess and stress over them way too much. Things change, shit happens and I lose interest too easily.

I'm a happy mess, I feel strung out, I look like I haven't slept in days and I feel like I have no reason to ever rest anyway.
I've gotten that taste of real life that I missed so much.
If I can work a 'real job', a 'fake job' and still live so reckless and young I need to because I kept myself locked up here too long. I'm absolutely sick of knowing everything about myself and I want to learn about everyone else, see what we have to share, see what we can talk about over drinks, see what weird mannerisms come out when they aren't sober.

I want to finish with this:
I know exactly who I am, I know exactly who I see myself being when I'm older. I turn 20 in a week but I've got more plans and plot twists for my life than anyone else I know and I know a few people who know exactly what they want to do and are on their way to doing it. I know what I want in a person, I know what I want in a friend and I know what I want from a relationship. I put everything about me out there for anyone, not just friends, not just family, to see and while it makes me vulnerable and an easy target, I don't care. I'm not lying to myself and I'm not lying to you.
I feel like I could easily be billed as "the most amazing person you will never get to know" and for that I feel terrible.
Most people don't get the space that I did to figure everything out and put it all together. A year ago I'd tell you that you shouldn't be talking to me, I'm a terrible guy that only wants a few things. A year later I'm an entirely different person with entirely different people in my life. Fuck what you heard, fuck what has been said and don't go to other people to figure out the kind of guy I am.

I am always right here, I will always be right here. I never turn down a conversation and I never turn down a chance to learn and to grow. As much as I just wrote about how my instincts have been making me go through vicious mood swings lately, I need to trust them.

I'm hurt, I feel good, but I'm hurt and whenever something comes along its brief and its only a temporary fix.
I need to find something better than good enough because I've done a lot of fucking up and a lot of hurting but I deserve someone to love and someone to invest in.

I am at my peak, if there was ever a time for anyone to know me or get to know me its now. I'll never be any better, I can only fall from where I am right now and while I apologize for the arrogance in this, I have a few well respected friends who will back me on it.

Avalon

from Anthony Green is somehow a really great cd. really simple, really relaxing.

anyway, sorry I've been busy the past 3 days. Apparently I can actually hang out and have a good time with people, as opposed to just sitting here talking about how much I miss it.

I need to sleep.

Wrong.

I was almost sure that working 10 hours a week at the House as opposed to 40-60 would ensure that other people would have to do their work and it wouldn't get left for me.

Whoa!

I'll be 20 in almost a little over 2 weeks and it pains me that I couldn't get out to restock my alcohol supply this week.
I just read over that and realized how much it doesn't make sense.
Oh well, regardless. I'll be 20 and I don't really think that I ever thought or imagined I'd be in such a good spot when I was 20.
I have a steady job that - in theory - should take me through December. I have a summer job that is already more demanding than it should be but in a month or two I'll be sort of phased out, so it'll be more relaxing and I just feel like things are budding. The chips are falling into place, so to speak.
I'm very excited to go away to Ocean City for a week. Regardless of the fact that besides Chris, I won't really know/want to be around anyone I'm going with I feel like its something I've needed. I miss the up all night, story telling, interaction. I don't get it too much anymore. Maybe on Fridays and Saturdays if I'm lucky.

Lets put this in perspective: Alex Kahan is a fucking awesome dude, how come I'm never with him?
Fro or no fro, he is still top notch. best regards.

OH. I almost forgot.
My brother in law(almost brother in law?) brought home blueberry beer last weekend and I had one(or two?) and they it was awesome.

Speaking of awesome, heres a few you can ponder:
New The Chariot/MeWithoutYou cd's soon.
Alcohol.
Money.
Stable jobs.
Set schedules.
Awesome people.
Girls that hold conversations
and finally, Party Drugs. Party drugs are sick, kid.

Last thing on the docket: I haven't thought about you in 2 weeks now, so thank you for everything you said.
Now if I could only stop thinking about the other 'you'. You're super and I'm an idiot.

New Conor Oberst.

I woke up at 4 to realize that there isn't a baseball game tonight. fail.
Fortunately, I'm very awake and I got to listen to the new Conor Oberst cd. mmm.

Busy night, lets hope I don't lock my keys in my car again. mm wings.

Low fuel.

The morning commute was fucking terrible. 45 minutes to get home. so now it is nearing 10am and I still am not ready to sleep.
I sincerely hope 5 hours will be enough.

Also, tonight's shift will consist of burning 'best of' and/or discographies of most artists on my itunes and emptying the paper bin.

Goodnight, I'll see you at 4pm

A lyric

from Worse Than Alone:

"A smile I can't perfect.
A figure I can't figure out.
A weight heavily on my mind.

But I love my life and I'll drink to that."

hit home.

4:47

It says something about my attention span that the top 3 most played songs on itunes are 1-3 minutes long. No, they aren't my favorites either.

Check out Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. Really honest stuff.