Today

I think I've gone through almost every emotion possible and it's made me feel really sick. I woke up happy, invested and excited and then as the day grew on I was just irritated, annoying and impatient. It's pretty typical of me to find out something great or have something great happen and just go on the notion, which works sometimes but in certain situations, I'm really fucking with myself. I don't remember much of this week because I've been drunk or dazed out, which despite what I say or what you usually read here - isn't common for me. I'm getting forgetful, I'm getting careless and I'm getting angry. I just start to think, start to wonder what I'm doing and what my real goal is? Realistically how good can this actually be, how can it last and how can it work?
As much as I'd love to get specific and leave you with nothing to wonder, I can't...this is something about how I feel all of the time.

Two nights ago I wrote about how happy I was, how progressive things were and how over anything I was and I am. I just have days, I have thoughts and I get new feelings every other minute(so it seems) that really brings me down and tears me up.
I think when I get good news I mask a lot the obvious bad parts by highlighting the good and while I'd rather be content than be whatever I was in November, I'm concerned. There is always a catch, I guess and eventually at some point all the chips will fall into place. I've got my priorities and I've got the people I feel like I need, I've had that going for awhile now and I can't see a total relapse unless things get fucked up.

I want to teach myself how to keep things simple, laid back and meaningless because while I do have 2 or 3 things that I actually care about, I obsess and stress over them way too much. Things change, shit happens and I lose interest too easily.

I'm a happy mess, I feel strung out, I look like I haven't slept in days and I feel like I have no reason to ever rest anyway.
I've gotten that taste of real life that I missed so much.
If I can work a 'real job', a 'fake job' and still live so reckless and young I need to because I kept myself locked up here too long. I'm absolutely sick of knowing everything about myself and I want to learn about everyone else, see what we have to share, see what we can talk about over drinks, see what weird mannerisms come out when they aren't sober.

I want to finish with this:
I know exactly who I am, I know exactly who I see myself being when I'm older. I turn 20 in a week but I've got more plans and plot twists for my life than anyone else I know and I know a few people who know exactly what they want to do and are on their way to doing it. I know what I want in a person, I know what I want in a friend and I know what I want from a relationship. I put everything about me out there for anyone, not just friends, not just family, to see and while it makes me vulnerable and an easy target, I don't care. I'm not lying to myself and I'm not lying to you.
I feel like I could easily be billed as "the most amazing person you will never get to know" and for that I feel terrible.
Most people don't get the space that I did to figure everything out and put it all together. A year ago I'd tell you that you shouldn't be talking to me, I'm a terrible guy that only wants a few things. A year later I'm an entirely different person with entirely different people in my life. Fuck what you heard, fuck what has been said and don't go to other people to figure out the kind of guy I am.

I am always right here, I will always be right here. I never turn down a conversation and I never turn down a chance to learn and to grow. As much as I just wrote about how my instincts have been making me go through vicious mood swings lately, I need to trust them.

I'm hurt, I feel good, but I'm hurt and whenever something comes along its brief and its only a temporary fix.
I need to find something better than good enough because I've done a lot of fucking up and a lot of hurting but I deserve someone to love and someone to invest in.

I am at my peak, if there was ever a time for anyone to know me or get to know me its now. I'll never be any better, I can only fall from where I am right now and while I apologize for the arrogance in this, I have a few well respected friends who will back me on it.