"Things will pick up"

This is my 50th blog post. I'm in a particularly productive mood tonight so I'm going to strive to make it a solid one. I have a lot of thoughts and a lot to share. I also have 7 more hours here at work, yeah, work at 1am. tell me about it...


Here I am: Working a relaxing, boring and eventful job that allows me 12 hours to sit in a room and do nothing but think. I think of why I'm doing this, how I got here, what I'll be doing after this job doesn't exist and what everyone else around me is doing while I'm here. I can tell you comfortably that a good portion of the people I know are sleeping, it's 1AM on a Monday and although school is out, no one is at the point where their acting like it. Well, no one I know. I'm blessed to be here, not blessed to be alive per-say but blessed to have a job where I get paid a lot of money to figure myself out and allow myself to figure everyone I know out. I enjoy it, I enjoy the peace and I enjoy the freedom yet somehow, at times, I get carried away with what I think I may get away with here and I'll cut back on that.

On to what matters: The future. I am the kind of person who wants to know and strives to know what will happen months down the road but lately I'm not really tell you what I'm doing that week and frankly, I don't even care. I seem to end up with a better night if I only made plans that day and fuck, you guys know how much I love plans. What I think I settled with is that other people aren't like me and because of that I understand that 'its cool' if someone fucks some plans up because its on them, I can be mad at them - they can't be mad at me.

That leads me to another cool thing I've discovered: It's pretty rare that someone will get mad at me, I'm an easy going guy who, to a fault at times, doesn't really get phased by anything(other than girls, and people, who don't really know what they want from me) and yeah, it'll take a lot to get me angry. Who the fuck cares? We're young, we're stupid, we're unprepared and we're scared as hell. As someone I admire very much would say: "Take it easy, love nothing." Well, love some things. Love something that matters and love something that is a constant. Love what you know and what knows you and most importantly, love something that is always going to be there when you need it. People are objects too and maybe if we looked at it that way a little more often we'd realize that the same $20,000 cars we're so afraid to crash can be the same thing as someones priceless heart we aren't afraid to break at all. Sure, cars don't have feelings and you need to pay for them but you'd be really fucking naive if you thought you don't pay for all the love you receive and the hate you send out. Everything takes effort and everything takes patience. Sit down, have a beer, smoke a cigarette and wait it out.

You can't cheat life nor can you cheat death but unfortunately we can cheat love, we can fake love and at some point we all do. We all have. Maybe we all don't fear love as much we should because we can cheat it. Most are afraid to live and almost all are afraid to die because they are both things we know will happen. You never know if the person you love is where they say they are, you never know if the person you love is who they say their with and even worse - you can't ever know if the person you love is who you think they are. People have flaws, people don't all have good thoughts and very few people don't do things without bad intentions. Fear everything and don't welcome everything blindly.

If you read that last paragraph and you don't necessarily agree with it there are several different reasons as to why: You haven't been hurt/you are too naive to believe you have, You simply have a different opinion of life and love than me and/or you are jaded. Simply fucking jaded.

Hey look, I write some pretty sad stuff and I very rarely show how optimistic I am and its because I don't have to. I know one day none of this loneliness will mean anything to me because I'll be with someone great all of the time. Oh see, now I'm jaded. I'm not conceded enough to tell you guys to take my advice or even take my word on anything I've said in these writings because all of them are based off of my experiences with the people I've decided to deal with and not that you guys don't already know but most of them weren't the best people to be involved with and the way I see it, most of the new people I've met since Gabby have showed me that people have conversations, people have feelings, people aren't robots and people are capable of feelings. Everything I should have known a long time ago.

All we can do is wait.
All we can do is hope.
All we can do is trust.
All we can do is learn.

I want a lot of things right now and I've had a hard time prioritizing them in my head or on paper. I know what I need to do but for the first time since I was 16 or so it doesn't feel nearly as urgent as what I want to do.

I've done so much for myself and I do as much as my friends let me do for them.
I want to see the world, I want to meet 10 new people everyday and I want to wake up every morning with a day that is worth waking up for.
I am happy, I am sad, I am anxious, I am hopeful and I am disappointed.
None of that really makes sense but that's life sometimes.


Yeah, I feel like I'm alive. Lets laugh, lets get some drinks, lets share our lives together. You all can count on me. I promise.