Obligatory

So its the eve of my birthday and I've been brainstorming almost the whole day(at work) what to write tonight because I knew I was going to have a beer(or 2 or 3, as the case may be) and want to write. I have so much more to say and so much more I wish I was able to say.

See, I'm in a bit of a tough spot. I got myself into a tricky situation, for the first time in OVER a year there are certain subjects and people that I have to keep hidden from others, some close friends. Obviously not the person I am, nor the person I want to be. Am I still going to write about what happened? sure. Am I going to give too much away? probably not, this was kept well under wraps and who the fuck knows? maybe for good reason. I'm not completely sure if you'll read this or not but that doesn't matter too much, with you there hasn't been a single feeling that I've kept inside and after the ice was broken, I laid it all on the line. I know I told you I was fine and I told you I was okay and maybe I actually am and hopefully I really will be. What makes it a little worse is that it was there and it was amazing for about a week and as 8th grade as that sounds, its mutual and you do feel or you almost felt the same I did, and do. It's gotten slightly easier now that 2 days have passed, while I don't have any 'bad' feelings towards you and I doubt I'll ever be able to...I am angry, I am frustrated and I am hurt. Even if I haven't really told you that straight up, you know me well enough already to know that I am. I didn't know what I expected or how long it'd last but to have it fall apart just like that, even if it "should" have, it sucks. The best thing I manage to find in a year just slips through my hands and even though I'm the 'right guy for the job', we connect on a very high level and our schedules work out well...apparently they won't in a few months. So its cool, I need to stop being a fucking baby about this incident, its just tough. The good ones are very few and far between and lately, they haven't had much interest in me either. It's all very typical and I'm just very impatient.

You can tell me I'm "too good" all you guys want, I don't really give a shit. I'd really, really hate to think that people would pass up someone because they were TOO good. I've heard it 3-4 times now and its bullshit, maybe I should make less of myself?
Silly me for thinking that I should grow up, stop fucking around all of the time and hang out with friends that have real conversation. I'm sorry I don't want to have mindless sex anymore and I'm sorry I don't want to spend all of my money on drugs that further mask the truth.

Maybe this should end well?
It's my motherfucking birthday, do I care? Not really. I don't see any positive significance, even if I can't find much negative.
Age isn't anything but a number. It's all about who you are and how you mature. I know I'm a pretty good guy, if not great and I know I'm very mature for my ages, surprisingly, without being through much. I went through one tough breakup, I've dealt with a girl or two telling me "thanks but no thanks" and I've dealt with death once when I was in 5th grade.
I've told Angela this a few times and I don't think I've been in a situation where I've ever had to tell anyone else it, so I'll share:
If you take a couple months, or a few months like I did, to really look at yourself and figure out who you are and where you are you can really change your whole perspective on things. I got a lot deeper, I got a lot smarter and I became more aware. I can accurately judge most people just by knowing 2-3 blurbs about them, which is no talent, most people are almost exactly the same, its very little effort.

I meant to leave on a good note, right? Fuck, I've got so much to say.
I'm incredibly manic and I am such a mixed bag of moods. I really can't tell how happy I am with what I have right now but I can tell you that I know what an accomplishment it is for a 20 year old(in about 45 minutes.) I appreciate the things I have and I love the things I've done. Is it what I really want? I don't think so, you know? I'd like to think that I'd feel even slightly more complete if I had what I really wanted. My whole "teenage" life has been about girls, music, friends, never sleeping and light(?) drug use. I guess I'm not a 'teenager' anymore but I don't think I really have been for a year. Do I go out/stay up with friends on more nights than most people I know? Definitely...but I also work one great job and another decent one, spend little money and have a ton of free time to overthink things.

So, am I happy? am I okay? I'm getting there and I'm content. I strongly believe there isn't much of anything I can do to make myself happier. I spoil myself, the past few weeks I've almost always been with friends and I work a good amount. It's the people bringing me down and its my fault for getting to invested in almost everyone I meet. I get way too excited at the fact that someone gets me and someone wants to know me that I take it way further than they ever meant to...and to you, I apologize for that. I fucked up, not you and I'm paying for it...it was my mistake.

I could ramble on and on about a few other things but I really just want to drink another beer, listen to some Album Leaf and ring in my birthday thinking about the GREAT things I have: Best friends, money, solid job, free time, great family, great plans, great conversation, alcohol and NFL2k5. Shout to torrents, porn and Twitter because without you, Twitter, my life would be so much emptier. I'm glad you're catching on and I'm glad I got into it before it was THAT much of a trend.

It means so much to me that you guys take a few minutes to read these, I know they drag on at times and I know that since the Gabby saga is now complete there isn't much shock value but tell me this...how many of you knew how much I loved NFL2K5? how many of you know what that is? yep. It's almost my birthday. I've been drunk or drunk with friends every night this week and for a week I really figured would suck, its been great. Fuck, you know, I saw Nick last night. FUCKING Nick. my best friend is back, I'm so glad he missed me.

"And don't call me that,
Don't claim you love me,
Cause you know that ain't true.
My dire affliction I'll attribute to you."