2009

I'll finish 2009 the same way I started it. I was single, had close friends and overworked.
Without sounding upset or depressed about it, I want to say that I mostly like this year was completely wasted and while I do mean that, I guess I did learn some things along the way. I worked far more than I should have, but I’m better off for it and I can live the way I want to because of it. I fell for a girl who I’m sure will be the last girl that fits my ‘ideal’ type and that’s fine. I’ve got to learn to grow up about things. I’ve still got the same friends that will let me have my time and space and then welcome me back with open arms and I truly appreciate that because I need it. I fixed some small things, I made more money than I thought I would and I guess I made small personal growth.

Overall I couldn’t complain. I’m alive, I’m well and I’ve made things the way they are.

It’s also a new decade in a couple days and I’m okay with that. I’ve had my teens, I’m over my teens and I learned from my teens.

Lets hope we all get through another 10 years.

Again

I don't know what to say, I've been speechless ever since I brought it up.
My stomach feels weak and I've got motivation to do anything but sleep.

I called you out on something you've done wrong for the entire 8 months and you turn around and tell me why you're upset with me?

I've given you the world, I'm still here for you even after I have many reasons not to be and all you do is continue to slap me in the face.

I'm done being disrespected. Have fun with the guy that doesn't care and hits on your best friend.

You don't know what a relationship is.

I've said this to a few people recently and it was sort of shrugged off but after a painful 3 hour conversation last night it became even more clear to me.

I'm a total mess and I don't mean the sort of mess I was when I said this a few months ago, I mean its getting really tough. I see my closest friends and I can barely paying attention to what their saying, not because of what their saying or who they are, but because I'm just completely disinterested in everything because work has completely taken over my life and my mind. My days 'off' are spent dreading the next day I've got to work and every week I keep telling myself "it'll get better next week when I have a few days off" and then of course I get the call that I have to work another 3-6 day stretch because my coworkers who have worked considerably less than me 'need' to take 2 week vacations. Maybe this would be fair if I made a half of what they do, but I don't.

I've put myself in this situation. I'm a total pushover and I do anything anyone wants me to.

The only good that has came out of this is that I have a great amount of money saved, more money than most people are able to put as a down-payment on their homes.

The down sides are that I've hurt the few people who really care and love me and I don't have any time to do the few things I like doing.

I can't hurt you anymore and I can't allow myself to be the one to drag you down, I'm sorry and I'm going to suck it up. I forced myself into this.

Job extended until March, possibly until June. Still going to live at home and I'm split on how I feel about that.

If I don't get sent to service desk(if things work out when I'm there is another issue) I've got no idea what I can do.

Man, if I could do things differently I would.

I realize and accept that I am incredibly hard to deal with, be around, converse with and love...I'm sorry.

Today

Its incredibly hard to imagine and its even in some ways scary but today marks, unofficially, 6 months of being with her. I feel great, she loves me and I love her - not that it matters. We're happy, I'm over my hangups and I think she is too. I can't really pat myself on the back too much for this but in many ways I'm proud.

I'm a good enough guy that I could get a girl who didn't want anything serious to give me a chance. Who I am played a big part in getting a girl who didn't want to care, to care. I'm not THAT bad and I was 'good enough' to make someone realize that.

Half a year, a quarter of two. Insane.

I don't know how any of this will end up and I haven't cared in 2 months but I know that you brought me back to who I was and I'll always appreciate that.

Its all happening, isn't it?

Let me first start this by apologizing to myself for keeping everything inside for too long but, to be honest, the rare moments I ever want to say anything 'out loud' are so few and far between that all emotion just sort of builds up.

The outlook seems relatively great. I'm about to get a 'long term/full time' job, I'm in a pretty healthy relationship and I somehow continue to keep friends who can deal with the fact that the majority of the time I don't really want to see anyone.

I'm okay, really. I'm freaking out and that's fine, that's normal. The time I have to 'grow up' could shrink from 2 or 3 months to 2-3 weeks and as I guy who cracks under pressure, its weighing on me.

I think I'm okay, I have a great support system and I have far too many people that are willing to put up with my shit but trust me...there isn't anything I appreciate more.

I'll try my best to give a huge update on what is bothering me, making me happy, keeping me calm and worrying me this weekend.

I'm getting older, the clock is ticking and its time to make some decisions. I can't keep letting myself wait to find out what happens or what job I can fall into next.

I've got to change things.

Call me old...

I don't want to 'party', I don't want to forget what I did the night before...I just want to relax.

I don't know, I don't care.

I just wish something was moving forward.
I don't want to stay at this pace, I don't want to fall behind.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

Man, the future is kinda scary.
Sure I'm off to a good start but in 4 months everything will look even more blurry than it does now.

I just want to settle, I just want to be an average person - who works harder than most other 'average' people.


Who knows.

Go to school.

So yeah, fine, I'm overwhelmed.
too much at once, its always hot outside and the fucking neighbors dog bit me.

The last thing I needed was this reminded that no one is any different than me - or anyone else.
No trust, no loyalty, no respect, no honesty and apparently no remorse.

You have been such an amazing disappointment and I really feel bad that I've fallen for all of this, but when everyone else thinks its 'great' - I tend to believe them.

I can't wait to leave, I can't wait to forget you, I can't wait to find someone who won't let me down and I can't wait until life isn't so up and down.

I should've stuck with Lindy while I had the chance.

At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be.

So I left, that is it.
That’s my life, nothing is sacred.
I don’t keep friends, I keep acquainted,
I’m not a prophet, but I’m here to profit.

That’s all, I’m gone!
That’s my life, nothing is sacred.
I don’t fall in love, I just fake it.

Fun. - Aim and Ignite. Album of the year.

I still do this.

Nicotine in the morning,
Ecstasy in the afternoon.
What else should I do?
I'm so busy chasing you.

No, its not a burden to be so completely incoherent all the time.
We get by just fine,
with our cheap thrills and red wine.

I am not your best friend and I am not the best man.

This

Tell your friends, "hey come over and we'll talk, you bring the drinks - I'll bring the bad news.
Everyone feels like you.

Tell your Dad to come over and we'll talk, you bring your drink - I'll bring the fuck you's.

Young man, you're not alone.
Tell your girlfriend you need her to be there because you can't sleep with your mind on all these things.

I want to get away, even for a year.

Victim

It hasn't bothered me that I'm only half of who I could be and I think thats because of the scenery around me. I can look to the left or right and rationalize any stupid decision or purchase. I accept it and I move on. The past week or so, once again, have differed from the previous couple weeks and I'm having a really good time trying to keep up. A few things have been consistent and as much as I was sure I didn't care if they were there, I'm glad I've got all of the things I have - regardless of how much I need it.

You look like I need a drink.

When thinking about who I am, what I do, what I've done and where I'm going I get lost. It's the same empty feeling that you'd get if you thought about what happens after you die - You can't really think too much of it because its unknown.

Somehow, and I guess I do know the reasons for it, I've become a lot less worried and anxious the past month. I haven't had time to think(or write) because I've been busy with things I should've been doing for the past 3-4 years. I'm supposed to be having fun, I'm supposed to be wasting time and I'm supposed to put my body what I put it through because I can't do this when I get much older. I fell into this great situation where I can go out and drink until 3 in the morning, get three hours of sleep and go into work to think about how great the previous night was. Its a great system and I need it, its made everything so much more enjoyable.

I can't do this anymore - the writing - that is. Maybe next month when things start getting different or maybe next week when something falls apart.

I've got everything I need right now.

Tomorrow never comes.

I have no idea what I'm doing, no idea where I'm going and I don't know how to feel.
I haven't wrote in awhile and after I finish writing this its very possible I'll regret picking back up again but yesterday and today were the first two days I feel like I've had anything substantial on my mind.

A week ago I had a blueprint of who and where I wanted to be come next year and while that all still sounds great, I know there are bigger and better things I need to be doing. Its unsettling and difficult to see people I know who are two or three years older than me struggle more than I did when I was 16 or 17, although I guess some people are late bloomers and some people never really get the big picture.

I say I have, I get some praise and people think of me as someone who they come to for answers to some hard questions. Maybe so. I still feel completely ignorant and swear that I know nothing that isn't something eveyone should know.
I'm no more and no less than who anyone else should be and the fact that I strive for mediocrity has puzzled me the past few years.

Truthfully, I'm content with being okay. The problem with being high is that eventually you have to come back down, the problem with being happy is that eventually you'll get sad. A good medium shouldn't seem like such a bad thing to 'strive' for but once you explain your 'plans and goals' to someone you'll still get mocked for it.

Fuck it, I've already gone way beyond what was ever expected of me and even if that partially great luck, I did it. I put in the effort. I did my time.

Everyone around me is so fucking upset and tired of living their 'pointless' lives and it just makes me feel so much worse that anyone had to talk to me for a better part of 6 months last year.

I hope I provided you with laughs, I hope I provided you with advice and I sincerely hope I didn't shower you with doubt because I'm not naive enough to be without it.
We should all live for fear, its the only thing thats going to keep us motivated.

All I can tell you is that you all aren't going to get better until you're honest enough with yourself to make yourself the best you can be.

Don't take this to heart.

Hey

What happened friday night should happen every night.

I guess this is safe.

I haven't written in awhile because I'm extremely happy and nothing is bothering me. I make more money than I should, I have more friends than I figured I ever would and I have a hobby that can carry me into football season.

Yeah, I still want to - and will try to - move after I figure out if/when I'm losing this job. I want it to be North Carolina. It's cheap, they have sweet BBQ, it's a new place for me and it isn't far from home.

What I like about where I am in life is that I'm right where I should be and I'm right where I wanted to be when I was 20.
I'm missing a few pieces, sure, but I've got all of the building blocks and I've got all of the tools.
Over the weekend I made amends with a few people I felt like I needed to 'grow up' about. I don't know that I really made them feel any better but I feel content enough with just knowing I tried.

I can't complain, I have so much with so little and none of it even allows for any stress.
I'm sorry I almost ran away from this sort of situation.

It hurts me so much that I don't put any thought into anything anymore.

We hold the keys, we dream the dreams.
We're only know what we believe.

It's 2am, I haven't slept in a couple days, I'm afraid the future might change me.
We can't move with broken legs,
Don't pollute my mind.

Its not like anything you do today will matter tomorrow.
Go. Get drunk, drive home. Answer the phone.

I saw you in my nightmare, so yeah, I'm a little lost without you.

So, I guess I did it to myself but I fell asleep at 9:30 last night. I don't know that I was really expecting to see or hear from anyone, but I didn't.

You're real cute until you open your mouth.

"Oh my God, we're in for a storm!"
You woke in sweat for the 4th time this week and screamed.
"We're a mess! We're drowning in stress!"
I know where they keep the pills that fix 'everything.'

Hide under the stars.
I know where you are.
I know you can't be far.

Addiction won't win.
We live in sin.

I wake up in fear because I'm scared that one day I'll be as lonely as you look to me.

Empty like the bottles you throw in the stream.
Yeah, its a flood.
I hope you came prepared.

Hello, Hi, High

Hey Mike, it's important to know what this feels like.
Just stay home and sleep alone a few nights.

Every week, we don't speak.

My love works harder than your lungs.

"Things will pick up"

This is my 50th blog post. I'm in a particularly productive mood tonight so I'm going to strive to make it a solid one. I have a lot of thoughts and a lot to share. I also have 7 more hours here at work, yeah, work at 1am. tell me about it...


Here I am: Working a relaxing, boring and eventful job that allows me 12 hours to sit in a room and do nothing but think. I think of why I'm doing this, how I got here, what I'll be doing after this job doesn't exist and what everyone else around me is doing while I'm here. I can tell you comfortably that a good portion of the people I know are sleeping, it's 1AM on a Monday and although school is out, no one is at the point where their acting like it. Well, no one I know. I'm blessed to be here, not blessed to be alive per-say but blessed to have a job where I get paid a lot of money to figure myself out and allow myself to figure everyone I know out. I enjoy it, I enjoy the peace and I enjoy the freedom yet somehow, at times, I get carried away with what I think I may get away with here and I'll cut back on that.

On to what matters: The future. I am the kind of person who wants to know and strives to know what will happen months down the road but lately I'm not really tell you what I'm doing that week and frankly, I don't even care. I seem to end up with a better night if I only made plans that day and fuck, you guys know how much I love plans. What I think I settled with is that other people aren't like me and because of that I understand that 'its cool' if someone fucks some plans up because its on them, I can be mad at them - they can't be mad at me.

That leads me to another cool thing I've discovered: It's pretty rare that someone will get mad at me, I'm an easy going guy who, to a fault at times, doesn't really get phased by anything(other than girls, and people, who don't really know what they want from me) and yeah, it'll take a lot to get me angry. Who the fuck cares? We're young, we're stupid, we're unprepared and we're scared as hell. As someone I admire very much would say: "Take it easy, love nothing." Well, love some things. Love something that matters and love something that is a constant. Love what you know and what knows you and most importantly, love something that is always going to be there when you need it. People are objects too and maybe if we looked at it that way a little more often we'd realize that the same $20,000 cars we're so afraid to crash can be the same thing as someones priceless heart we aren't afraid to break at all. Sure, cars don't have feelings and you need to pay for them but you'd be really fucking naive if you thought you don't pay for all the love you receive and the hate you send out. Everything takes effort and everything takes patience. Sit down, have a beer, smoke a cigarette and wait it out.

You can't cheat life nor can you cheat death but unfortunately we can cheat love, we can fake love and at some point we all do. We all have. Maybe we all don't fear love as much we should because we can cheat it. Most are afraid to live and almost all are afraid to die because they are both things we know will happen. You never know if the person you love is where they say they are, you never know if the person you love is who they say their with and even worse - you can't ever know if the person you love is who you think they are. People have flaws, people don't all have good thoughts and very few people don't do things without bad intentions. Fear everything and don't welcome everything blindly.

If you read that last paragraph and you don't necessarily agree with it there are several different reasons as to why: You haven't been hurt/you are too naive to believe you have, You simply have a different opinion of life and love than me and/or you are jaded. Simply fucking jaded.

Hey look, I write some pretty sad stuff and I very rarely show how optimistic I am and its because I don't have to. I know one day none of this loneliness will mean anything to me because I'll be with someone great all of the time. Oh see, now I'm jaded. I'm not conceded enough to tell you guys to take my advice or even take my word on anything I've said in these writings because all of them are based off of my experiences with the people I've decided to deal with and not that you guys don't already know but most of them weren't the best people to be involved with and the way I see it, most of the new people I've met since Gabby have showed me that people have conversations, people have feelings, people aren't robots and people are capable of feelings. Everything I should have known a long time ago.

All we can do is wait.
All we can do is hope.
All we can do is trust.
All we can do is learn.

I want a lot of things right now and I've had a hard time prioritizing them in my head or on paper. I know what I need to do but for the first time since I was 16 or so it doesn't feel nearly as urgent as what I want to do.

I've done so much for myself and I do as much as my friends let me do for them.
I want to see the world, I want to meet 10 new people everyday and I want to wake up every morning with a day that is worth waking up for.
I am happy, I am sad, I am anxious, I am hopeful and I am disappointed.
None of that really makes sense but that's life sometimes.


Yeah, I feel like I'm alive. Lets laugh, lets get some drinks, lets share our lives together. You all can count on me. I promise.

meh.

I think that because I'm almost only really listening to music with little or no words now it's taken a little bit out of what I've been able to write.

I really I wish I could just pick or strum it out like some of these people do.

Listen to Mogwai, This Will Destroy You and Explosions In The Sky. You'll understand.

Make Yourself Sick

Last night was really hard and I can't tell if it was good or not. I'm sure it could've went much better but that would've caused problems and who needs more of those?

I might be really sick.

If something is really great you won't wander off so far from it.

This is what I meant to say.

Kristen, you were absolutely right this morning when you said that everyone is a letdown. Just because we can see good in people and expect that people can and will change with current events it doesn't mean that they always or even ever will. High hopes will be the death of us and we just need to start looking straight ahead at everything exactly how it appears, not the way we'd like to think it could be.

I'd love to be able to tell you all that I'm not scared of people but after the last year or so, multiple events and the things I hear and read everyday - it shouldn't just be me thats scared, everyone should. There is absolutely no loyalty, romance is dead and whoever just sent you that 'I still love you' text also sent it to every other girl that has entered his life. So, yeah, I'm at a standstill because out of the very few things that I actually would like to do with my time I can't really do them.
I'd love to smoke but throat hurts like hell, I'd love to drink but getting beer is such a 15 minute trek for me that I hold back so I only have to go monthly, I want to write an album but I can't write more than 30 seconds of a guitar riff I won't like in a few days. Maybe I'll learn piano/keyboard, maybe I'll find some friends and maybe this is all 'still' happening for a reason.

I told you that you restored my faith in people and maybe you did then but by going with your gut or whatever you're doing now you've also showed me that there was no faith to restore. Most people are awful, heartless and are only after what can help them in the now. I'm not as angry with you as people want me to be or even as angry as maybe I should be, I'm angry that you aren't different. I'm angry that you couldn't change my opinion. I think I hold you so high because you told me everything that was going to happen while we were still 'together' and in some fucked up and twisted way, that makes this easier for me.
It isn't you, its my problem with meaning something to anyone for more than a few weeks because while I admit I'm not fun to be around now and I'm not an 'awesome' guy to hang out with while you want to be a kid - I'll be the best person that most of you will meet in 5 years. What hurts is that I'll still think less of myself, I'll still cover up how I feel and I'll still be the guy that people come to for their boy problems when they know I'm the guy that they'll never have to deal with that shit from.

I really thought it'd be best to avoid the parties and 'fun' gatherings but you know what? If no one else cares about anything why the fuck am I wasting all of my time doing it for them?

I wanted to close this with "Lets get fucked up." but yeah, we already are.

All of these thoughts are so fucking store-bought.

All I can really say is that I did everything I could and for awhile I really was on top.
Now I've sort of reduced myself down to things I've wanted for a few months, things I thought I was over years ago and things that help me briefly forget the messes I keep making or getting caught up it.

On the drive home the other night I was thinking over how stupid and pathetic it is and was of me to go as fast as I was but it felt right and I needed it after the year plus I'd just been through. I feel better - I really do. I'm not sure if this is/was a temporary fix or something I'm going to hate myself for in a few months but I do know that continuing to worry about it isn't going to help.

I tried really hard and I did more than I ever thought I could.
Can't win them all, Mike.

Chloroform Perfume

You say so much without ever parting your lips.

Its past 3am and I'm still far from sleep,
and this is a habit I cant break.
My only company is skipping stones down a sub-suburban street.

She keeps on asking:
“Do you think it hurts much to die?“
It’s hurting so much more to stay alive now,
She’s gonna find out how much it hurts to die.

She laced her perfume up with death,
I can feel it in my lungs,
so I'll pull in the deepest breath and drop my head.



Hello my first name is distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again.

Essentials:

Frank Zappa - Apostrophe and Hot Rats
Bright Eyes - Lifted...
Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction
Between The Buried And Me - Colors
Owen - I Do Perceive
Cursive - The Ugly Organ
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of The Moon
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue and Birth of the Cool
Tom Waits - Bone Machine
Rx Bandits - The Resignation

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works?

Narrow Stairs

I turned 20 a month ago today and when I noticed that this morning I was actually pretty shocked, I feel like that happened months ago. This has been one of my more productive, eventful months. I suppose I'm still 'with' the person I want to be 'with', I'm working enough(for now) and I've been hanging out with all of the friends I've been meaning to.

I go away to OC for a little under a week on Friday and while I'm not sure what'll happen, who I'll see or what I'll do I have the same empty optimism about it that I have with most other things. I think it'll be fun, entertaining to say the least.

I never understood why people drift apart and I'm pretty sure I've done nothing wrong, so I'm going to go ahead and place all of this on you. You've done and said everything you can to make sure that I know this isn't real and trust me, it has been overly effective. I know you're young and I know flings and things that don't matter much take precedent over the 'scary' things like finding someone that makes you forget everyone and everything else. I can't be upset with you for knowing what you want and holding to it, in fact, I respect it. I just hate explaining how 'this' works and I hate that all of my friends are so happy for me because like you've told me, this isn't 'it.'

I don't know what is happening, I don't want to go over it again and I don't really care.
I just wish things were the way they were 2 weeks ago or that I knew why they aren't that way now.

I deserve whatever makes me happiest and you know that you are what makes me happiest.
You deserve the same, you just need to figure out what you want before its too late for it to matter.

Floating World

Life would be so much easier if I just didn't give a shit about anyone.

People don't do much but let you down.

I really wish I was going to have this same job for 10-20 years.

Anything 'less' leaves the opportunity for there to be more.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

The way these 'blogs' usually start out are with me stringing together one collective thought that may eventually end up being the theme. Today, however, I have no individual thought that could sum up the train-wreck that has become of my mind.

I don't even really know where to start, you know?
Nothing is real, nothing is contingent and nothing is settled.
I wish I could coherently explain to you why I'm so fucked up but there are feelings at stake, situations at stake and you wouldn't get it.
Maybe I don't get it.

My problem is that I care too much, I want too much and I expect too much.
I went too fast, too soon and trying to get back to the pace I need to be has taken almost all of my energy these past 2 days.

If anything, last night showed me that this may not be the end of the world.

Wish I would've gotten out more.

Mediocrity is a killer.

Back to Reality

I'm moving after this job is done. I don't care where, I don't care how, I don't care for how long.
I was reminded tonight that everything I have right now, everything so 'great', is going to go away.
I'm getting past that and I'm sucking every great emotion I can get out of them now because I'm going to need it to move on.
My life, especially, has been nothing but the memories I've made and so now that I'm in a great situation where I know my deadlines - I'm going to make everything as special as it should be.

I almost left a few months ago, which is something nobody knows, so surprise.
I didn't because I figured it'd be too hard to do it and I got the extension at my job. I figured "Hey, December gives me 9 months to save up and plan everything out." I've tried to figure out something here and if, by chance, I do stick around and find something - thats cool but I do know that I'm going somewhere for a good bit. I love it here and I love most of the people I've been lucky enough to know but for all of the good and great people and things I've found here, nothing has ever stuck and thats what I need.
Fortunately, at the moment, I'm perfectly fine with what is bound to happen. I put myself in this spot, I want to be in this spot and it only makes it all the more worth it, to be honest. Yeah, it is fucked up optimism and it is me holding back a little bit but still...

Selfishly, I think I deserve to be one of the people that get out and finds a better life and again, I KNOW that I could do that here but to be honest, the bad around me here has and always will outweigh the good. The mere thought of knowing that there is a place where no one knows my name and no one knows what I've done finally looks appealing to me. I've always been one to think its wrong for everyone to want get away but in the past 3 or 4 months I've really understood it.

I don't know if I'll read this in 4 months and feel stronger or weaker about it because I don't know what can happen by then, at this point, I don't know what'll happen next week. I just know I've worked hard to get everything I have right now and I've worked hard to make sure people know exactly who I am, even if they don't take the time to find out for themselves. If someone decides I'm worth the effort, I'm worth the time and I'm worth the work then thats great, I think thats the best decision someone could make, to be honest. I have a few things that are really fucking wrong with me but at the same time I have some quirks that make me a hopelessly devoted guy - to anything.

I know exactly how my life is going to go for the next 2 or 3 months. Who could be selfish enough to ask for anything more?
I'm excited about everything and I feel completely, utterly invincible.

And like you said, 'this' isn't going to end. It's just going to change, change is nice...it saved my life.

You can tell I'm over-tired, I'm sure.

Fun fact?
I've tried to write this four times today and I've gotten lost after the first few lines almost every time. I haven't liked much that I've written lately because when I'm feeling good and I'm kept busy, I don't have much to bitch about. Who wants to read about someone being happy all of the time? I don't.

Regardless, there are still numerous voids in life and the future still hangs over my head like a black cloud. Fortunately for me, I'm still stuck in 'be happy in the moment' mood and its working out great. Last month and this month have been two of my best months financially in a long time and I haven't been this happy emotionally since, fuck, 2 or 3 years ago - and I consider that part of my life a phase, at this point.

I think another reason I haven't written much lately is because I found someone who makes me want to talk these things out instead of turning them all into sentences. It's a blessing and perhaps a curse. What if there is something I need/want to say that I shouldn't? There isn't anyway I'd hold it inside, I never can. I love the honesty and I love that I just don't fucking care anymore but I hate hurting peoples feelings. I'm sorry I don't like most people and I'm sorry I don't like most things but you can't get beat up about it. Trust me, I feel like I'm an amazing person but you wouldn't want my life. I set things up to be like this, I DO want it this way.

I'm going away for a week on the 30th, I'm sort of excited because it'll be nice to have a week with nothing set in stone and a new environment but I'm a bit skeptical because you all know I love having everything planned out. That is another thing I'm learning to adjust to pretty quickly because while I do have most of my week planned out, things change and nothing is really confirmed and I'm getting comfortable with it. I have certain things I keep on a weekly agenda and they usually get done. Still haven't read Paul's screenplay but I did write my 'story.'

I prefer writing like this, you know, just talking. Whatever I want to say next I can, it doesn't have to have anything to do with what I wrote before it. I love structure more than most people I know but when I talk and when I write, I want to say whatever the fuck I want to say about anyone I know. I want them to read it, I want them to feel it and I want them to know how I feel because you'll never win any battles keeping feelings buried inside of you. Do you want to lose battles all of the time? Losing sucks, man.

Also, completely unrelated, Jason Fletcher wants to kick my ass. This dude is an idiot and all he did was contradict himself when 'threatening' me. Typically I'd be scared but, fuck, this kid is like 16 and he has a fucking Fox Racing tattoo.
SERIOUSLY. A Fox Racing tattoo.
Can't make that shit up.

Enjoy life, guys. Don't worry about the petty shit(like Jason Fletcher trying to be witty via text message) and treat everyone you meet the way you want to be treated.

It feels great being a "good" guy.

Excerpt

"I’m not going to worry about the people I hurt or the people that hurt me and I’m not going to worry about the letters I wrote and the words that I’ve waited to hear but have fallen on deaf ears. Neither should you. Live your life and take your time – we all have too much of it."


from story/mess/failed experiment.

"Ex Box"

Looking back at the ashes of who I was,
they shaped the path to who I've become.
I know you can you feel it,
but do you believe it?
I'm alive and well.

I don't place the blame on anyone,
I just follow street signs and drive the open roads.
We all have the same plan, the same dreams.
We all belong to something.

I'm here,
I'm fucking glowing.

I'd stop the world and melt...
I'd stop the world.

Now that its 'kosher'

You're an amazing girlfriend.

Finally

I'm about 1/4 done the rough draft of my first story.
The premise is this:

A 22 year old gets restless in his Psychologist's waiting room, thinking about all of the things he's kept inside over the years he decides to write a letter explaining the last fews years of his life and how it would've made sense to be open and honest from the start.

Edit: Rough draft finished, to be edited tomorrow.

Playing Possum For A Peek

I'm made up of instincts.
None of which are too keen.
But I get by with these high cheekbones, little faint in people or a higher being.

I'm a man with desires.
If I told you any different I'd be a liar.
As hard as I've tried I've found I can't deny myself those things that I want.

I'm convinced after your performance that this world is too big for us
and our stupid instincts and our stupid desires.

In The Morning and Amazing.

This is a perfect example of one of my main flaws. I over-think too much and I worry about everything.

I'll start with this, for once: The first word that comes to mind to describe how life is for me right now is perfect. Things aren't perfect but trust me, they are near perfect. I have more 'friends' that I can see, I'm in a relationship with an amazing girl who, in less than a month, has treated me better than anyone else I've ever been with, and I have an amazing job making a lot of money.

This is exactly how I wanted things to be and it feels great. Once again, I can't stop thinking about the fall-out process that is going to ensue and you know, I really do have an outstanding bout of confidence and optimism that I'll be fine with whatever happens. This is all so surreal to me but I do get this much:
It took me 2 or 3 months to get myself to be the person I want to be, it took me a little over a month to look like the guy I want to be and it even took ONLY 8 months to let the things I want from life to fall into place. They did, they are here, I'm ecstatic and as nervous as I am that I'll miss a beat or fuck something up. It never seems to happen.

I'm glad I get drunk and let things that a 'boyfriend' typically shouldn't tell his 'girlfriend' slip out sometimes because that's the way I've become. I don't ever want to be afraid to tell anyone anything again and you've just made that so much easier for me.

Things fell into place, things are amazing and I am completely content.

I'll wrap it up with this: I still cherish the hours of the day I spend worrying about mutual feelings, the future and how things will end up because every time I'm feeling insecure someone or something comes along and makes me realize that I should feel great about what's happening now and the things that I DO have in place for the future.

I approve of this.

I've told 'my' story to a lot of people, many times.
A year ago most of you knew a different guy. I lied, I cut corners, I didn't care and I didn't put much thought into what happened next. Around November or December of last year I started to consider the 'big picture', I thought about why I was so alone and why I can't ever keep things going longer than a few months.

I was alone because no one knew and no one cared to know, who would?
All people knew about me was that I have deep tastes in music/movies and I drink a lot.
Between all of that, I am full of substance, ideas and creativity. I want to be different, I want to be heard and I want to be appreciated.
There are few things that I won't do for the people I care about and there aren't many things I wouldn't do for good friends. I love to laugh, I love to learn and I love to listen.

While 5th grade to 9th grade for me is a blur and it was 'fucked up', I don't really consider any part of my life - besides last spring/summer - to have been 'bad.'
In fact, I've had an incredible life and from 14 to 18, I got pretty much anything/anyone I wanted. I feel like part of the reason I like listening to everyone else's problems and issues is because I don't have many of my own and I never had anything 'tough' to go through.

What I find slightly odd is that I know who I was then and who I am now, yet I've never really had a 'positive' take on myself until about 2-3 months ago. Sure, a year or two ago my flaws were glaring. I wouldn't have liked me(although everyone did.) I think I was probably too hard on myself and I do it because I'm afraid of arrogance and I'm afraid to feel cocky and/or confident.

I say it a lot but a lot of people are still 'just' finding out.
I'm a great guy, I'm full of things to say, I want to be your friend and I want to have a good time. The leaf has turned over, people know who I am and for the first time in a long time I have more people to hang out with than I have the time. Anyone who thinks they are a 'friend' of mine probably is and if I don't see you, it has nothing to do with you. I like a lot of different people at different times, I go with what works. What has happened to me the past 2-4 weeks has been incredible and there is a new story for every weekend. I'm shocked that I can keep up and the summer is going to have even more thrills.

I'm keeping up, I'm staying happy and I'm learning. I'm growing.

End of tangent.
The point of this was to tell you all to take time to evaluate yourselves and how you feel about everything. Spend some time alone and take some time to think about what is most important to you. Do what your heart tells you to, don't let anyone hold you back and stay honest. Stay loyal, stay faithful.

Things have to get worse before you can consider anything better.

To be ignored?

I've never been with anyone as affectionate as you, you're adorable.
I love that you can't let go of me and I love that you always want to kiss me.

I'm going to go in the ocean for you.

Top 100 Indie Albums

I'm at work, so I need to post this here to remember to download it at home.

the list is here: http://music-mix.ew.com/2009/03/best-indie-rock.html


http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?edtyz12km2m
http://www.mediafire.com/?nddf3rnxtyz
http://www.mediafire.com/?n11odzdvqcz
http://www.mediafire.com/?4h1bge1cdh2

That tattoo just isn't funny anymore...

Tell me again where you were when the world changed and forgot about you.
If it's sympathy you need then I'm sorry but you're not the only one who feels cheated.

It's too close to home and it's too near the bone, more than you'll ever know...

I don't miss you. I'll miss you when you're dead.

Pace Yourself.

It is incredibly unhealthy of me to worry so much about every other line.
It's worse of me to find a valid meaning for every word thats said to me.
I know more than a few people who, although they will struggle in the long run, only put heavy focus on what's ahead of them THIS week, next week or the week after. It really pains me that I can't ever just focus on a week at a time. My expectations are too high, I have a good week and I automatically think "why should anything change that'll make next week less great?" Shit happens, feelings change and moods swing.

I should know.

There are 2 things in life that I'll always strive for and work toward. I want contention and I want someone to love me, know me, care for me and acknowledge me. I understand that it's very unlikely I'll meet more than one or two people that would want to offer me as much as I offer them, I mean shit, I'm a great talker but for the most part I hide behind words. I give all of myself to anyone I find interesting and while I don't expect anyone to really 'give' back to me, I've found a few amazing friends who have proven to be exactly what I want people to be.

You can't hold things in, you can't lie to yourself and you really shouldn't hide anything else. Are there things that I don't know that if I did, I'd be upset? Most definitely but I want that, I can handle that and I really can't settle for 'behind the back' secretive bullshit that has become a trait of almost everyone you meet.

Look, I talk a lot of shit about everyone but there isn't anything that I'll say about you that I wouldn't tell you in conversation. I'm not bragging, of course, maybe more people don't do it because they are afraid of the consequences. That's understandable, I guess, but I just felt so free and clear when I decided about a year ago to just say what's on my mind, unfiltered, all of the time. I've lost a few people, I've hurt a few people but at the same time I have their respect, they know I'll tell them what I think and how I feel.
I don't take sides, I don't want sides.

The point of this was to write how I over-think everything and how I'm too worried about what can happen in a month or so.
Heres the truth.
I have until December to really 'panic' and even then I have ideas. I don't give a shit if I'll be a year or two late on the "I need to go places and do things" train, I do and I will.

Life is fucking great right now and even though I'm really full of all the good emotions going around, I'd be really arrogant to ignore the looming danger.

I tell you this a lot but mainly I'm just happy you're happy. There isn't anything else I've wanted in years, to be honest.

Birth Of The Cool.

4 great things:

1. The great music I remember to download when I'm here on weekends. Miles Davis is doing the trick.

2. My 'girlfriend' is incredible, now, I may be slightly jaded because I'm with her but it's something really special and she knows exactly what to do and say - which should say a ton because a good part of my time is wasting over-thinking and worrying. Which brings me to 3...

3. The past week or so I've been kept pretty busy so I haven't really been able to worry myself sick, which is nice. I have a great support system and in the immediate future, I have nothing to complain about.

4. Nick is around again, which isn't only good because he is silly. It's good because he makes me silly. He watches a lot of old wrestling videos on youtube and has done more work than me the past 2 days. Weird.


You should listen to American Football, Album Leaf, Miles Davis, Dear And The Headlights, The Bled, Alexisonfire and Anthony Green.

:)

I am a life-changer, I am a mind-changer.
This is easily the best place I've ever been in and I'm lucky for that because my life is such a progression.
Always getting better jobs, always getting in better places, always meeting a higher class of people.

Life may not get much better than this but it seems like its never going to get worse.

I hope you all someday feel as great as I do, truly.

Tough Titties.

From the last Facebook note:
"You've all made your mistakes too, right? Maybe I should get more credit because I don't hide them in a closet."

I like myself sometimes:)

hey you guyyyyyyyyyz

One liners are insane. I'm thinking about writing poetry/lyrics again.

Don't ever read my livejournal, some of that shit just pathetic.

Oops.

Before I say anything of substance or anything at all, really, I want to figure this out.

I should shut up and take things are they are.

Thinking has been fucking killing me this week, shit.

ahh.

I'm terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives,
and drowning in the pools of other lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony, get clobbered on by courtesy.
In love with love and lousy poetry.

I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense,
I'm losing all of those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it almost feels okay.

Ramble On.

I want to write here very freely about my experience turning 20, my experience at my 'birthday' party.
For the majority of the week leading up, I cared very little about my birthday, turning 20 and the events(albeit they did have 'fun' written all over them) planned for the day. See, very fortunately, the last 2-3 weeks I've been doing the same shit I did last night to 'celebrate'...almost every night. so it was no new surprise, it was no new party. What it was though was an experience with 2 great relatively new friends and a bunch of friends that I hope never get completely away from me. It's incredible how we can still act the same way together, NOT talk about old times and progress with the new ones - even if, in my case, they don't really know completely what I'm up to.

It was successful, the things I thought were going to be hard for remarkably easy because, to be honest, they should be.

It made more sense last night/early this morning than it has ever made sense to me before. Everyone tells me you have to live in the moment, take what you can and grab every inch of what you can get out of life while you can because you don't always have to worry about what's going to happen next.
Yeah, its me saying this, I know. I want everything planned and I want to have everything set up but you know what? If I can be happy doing what I'm doing and I SHOULD be happy, if not content, with how things are going then I will be.

I have to enjoy the things I have while they last and I can't waste time thinking about why or when they'll be gone eventually.
If I learned anything last night - and hey, maybe its a coincidence - it was that if something is meant to happen and you're in a situation with someone smart and alert enough to take the chance, they will.

I don't know where is going to go and I don't care about it, I don't want to be optimistic about it, nor do I want to be pessimistic...I know what it is right now, I know how it makes me feel, I know what it has done for my days. There can't be anything wrong with just taking that.

In conclusion,
I had a great birthday, I had a great week and I have - as far as I can tell - some really great weeks ahead of me.
I accomplished last night what I've been telling myself for about a month or two I'm more than capable of doing and you know what? It's awesome. It's great that even if it turns out to be those 4-5 hours, shit was as perfect as it has ever been. Even with her and even with her.

Did I say too much? probably but you don't hide from things, you embrace them.

Obligatory

So its the eve of my birthday and I've been brainstorming almost the whole day(at work) what to write tonight because I knew I was going to have a beer(or 2 or 3, as the case may be) and want to write. I have so much more to say and so much more I wish I was able to say.

See, I'm in a bit of a tough spot. I got myself into a tricky situation, for the first time in OVER a year there are certain subjects and people that I have to keep hidden from others, some close friends. Obviously not the person I am, nor the person I want to be. Am I still going to write about what happened? sure. Am I going to give too much away? probably not, this was kept well under wraps and who the fuck knows? maybe for good reason. I'm not completely sure if you'll read this or not but that doesn't matter too much, with you there hasn't been a single feeling that I've kept inside and after the ice was broken, I laid it all on the line. I know I told you I was fine and I told you I was okay and maybe I actually am and hopefully I really will be. What makes it a little worse is that it was there and it was amazing for about a week and as 8th grade as that sounds, its mutual and you do feel or you almost felt the same I did, and do. It's gotten slightly easier now that 2 days have passed, while I don't have any 'bad' feelings towards you and I doubt I'll ever be able to...I am angry, I am frustrated and I am hurt. Even if I haven't really told you that straight up, you know me well enough already to know that I am. I didn't know what I expected or how long it'd last but to have it fall apart just like that, even if it "should" have, it sucks. The best thing I manage to find in a year just slips through my hands and even though I'm the 'right guy for the job', we connect on a very high level and our schedules work out well...apparently they won't in a few months. So its cool, I need to stop being a fucking baby about this incident, its just tough. The good ones are very few and far between and lately, they haven't had much interest in me either. It's all very typical and I'm just very impatient.

You can tell me I'm "too good" all you guys want, I don't really give a shit. I'd really, really hate to think that people would pass up someone because they were TOO good. I've heard it 3-4 times now and its bullshit, maybe I should make less of myself?
Silly me for thinking that I should grow up, stop fucking around all of the time and hang out with friends that have real conversation. I'm sorry I don't want to have mindless sex anymore and I'm sorry I don't want to spend all of my money on drugs that further mask the truth.

Maybe this should end well?
It's my motherfucking birthday, do I care? Not really. I don't see any positive significance, even if I can't find much negative.
Age isn't anything but a number. It's all about who you are and how you mature. I know I'm a pretty good guy, if not great and I know I'm very mature for my ages, surprisingly, without being through much. I went through one tough breakup, I've dealt with a girl or two telling me "thanks but no thanks" and I've dealt with death once when I was in 5th grade.
I've told Angela this a few times and I don't think I've been in a situation where I've ever had to tell anyone else it, so I'll share:
If you take a couple months, or a few months like I did, to really look at yourself and figure out who you are and where you are you can really change your whole perspective on things. I got a lot deeper, I got a lot smarter and I became more aware. I can accurately judge most people just by knowing 2-3 blurbs about them, which is no talent, most people are almost exactly the same, its very little effort.

I meant to leave on a good note, right? Fuck, I've got so much to say.
I'm incredibly manic and I am such a mixed bag of moods. I really can't tell how happy I am with what I have right now but I can tell you that I know what an accomplishment it is for a 20 year old(in about 45 minutes.) I appreciate the things I have and I love the things I've done. Is it what I really want? I don't think so, you know? I'd like to think that I'd feel even slightly more complete if I had what I really wanted. My whole "teenage" life has been about girls, music, friends, never sleeping and light(?) drug use. I guess I'm not a 'teenager' anymore but I don't think I really have been for a year. Do I go out/stay up with friends on more nights than most people I know? Definitely...but I also work one great job and another decent one, spend little money and have a ton of free time to overthink things.

So, am I happy? am I okay? I'm getting there and I'm content. I strongly believe there isn't much of anything I can do to make myself happier. I spoil myself, the past few weeks I've almost always been with friends and I work a good amount. It's the people bringing me down and its my fault for getting to invested in almost everyone I meet. I get way too excited at the fact that someone gets me and someone wants to know me that I take it way further than they ever meant to...and to you, I apologize for that. I fucked up, not you and I'm paying for it...it was my mistake.

I could ramble on and on about a few other things but I really just want to drink another beer, listen to some Album Leaf and ring in my birthday thinking about the GREAT things I have: Best friends, money, solid job, free time, great family, great plans, great conversation, alcohol and NFL2k5. Shout to torrents, porn and Twitter because without you, Twitter, my life would be so much emptier. I'm glad you're catching on and I'm glad I got into it before it was THAT much of a trend.

It means so much to me that you guys take a few minutes to read these, I know they drag on at times and I know that since the Gabby saga is now complete there isn't much shock value but tell me this...how many of you knew how much I loved NFL2K5? how many of you know what that is? yep. It's almost my birthday. I've been drunk or drunk with friends every night this week and for a week I really figured would suck, its been great. Fuck, you know, I saw Nick last night. FUCKING Nick. my best friend is back, I'm so glad he missed me.

"And don't call me that,
Don't claim you love me,
Cause you know that ain't true.
My dire affliction I'll attribute to you."

All Chorus

"I'm the last man standing, oh shit, I'm all alone."

I know I wrote earlier but it was half-assed because I was playing NFL2K5. That game froze, irritated the shit out of me for an hour or so and now I'm full, tipsy and ready to ramble. are you? trick question, you have no obligation to read this. This is going to be rather lengthy, I've got a ton of shit to say and Angela encouraged me to write a lot.

Where to start?
Last night at around 10pm, Gabby decided it'd be an awesome idea to Facebook IM and question my Tweet about how Courtney's was closed on 4/20 because they're all a bunch of potheads. As it turns out, Courtney's is closed 'every' monday. Who knew? not me. She then preceded to go back in time to a blog or two ago where I make some reference, in detail, to her cheating on me with Chris. She told me how the 'cops are next.', even though I have complete freedom over what I write in these things and I said nothing threatening to or about her. After that argument she went on to tell me how I won't like it when she starts saying bad things about me on her page and I just preceded to tell her that if she can find one bad thing about me, she should go ahead and write about it. "Mike drinks too much." "Mike says 'fuck' too much." "Mike is creepy." There you go, Gabby, not only did I save you time but I also used proper grammar. Too bad you deleted me so you can't force yourself to read this shit anymore.

On to you,
Thank you for everything, thank you for helping me feel comfortable again, thank you for restoring confidence in me and thank you for keeping me busy for such a short, short time. It means the world, seriously, and I'm not bitter. Shit happens, things pan out. Wrong place, wrong time I guess.

One of the many things I've learned from being around Paul a lot is that he is heavily vested in the things he cares about and the things he's good at. I sort of want to take a cue from him and write more enough - even if it's scattered thoughts like these blogs. I don't have much I care about or that I'm interested. I like making money and saving enough money to live off of - I'm on top of that. I love football and I cover that atleast 3 times an hour and I love conversation and with a mix of my old and recent friends, I almost always have that covered. I like writing, I like having everything out there and I like leaving very little for you wonder about me. I'm going to try to make it atleast an everyday thing.

Why do I do that?
I figure that over the last 5 months more than enough people have told me I'm a 'great' or 'amazing' guy and person, maybe I should throw myself out there and so instead of waiting for people to notice me, they'll already have it literally at their fingertips.
Has it worked? Fuck no, no one new has came along and no old 'friend' has wondered 'how I'm doing' but you know what, it beats the alternative of feeling like I'm not trying to help myself out.

I am a networker. I Tweet constantly, I am very active on Facebook and I browse my myspace all of the time. I write atleast one 'blog' a day somewhere saying how I feel or something relative to how I'm doing. I am out there, I am trying and it hurts a little bit that almost every person I hang out with falls in love with the 'alive, quiet, silly' me but the people who can see every part of me on the internet choose not to.


I'm glad you all read these and I'm glad that I have the 2 or 3 people I have in my life that I can count on but you know what? I'm not so concerned anymore. Good things have to come to me and perhaps good things will come to me but in the mean time...I have my friends, I have my thoughts, I have my beer and you guys know where I live. Always welcome, door is always open. You all already know me, let me know you. Let me see past your face, reputation and internet hobbies...because for a lot of you, thats all I know.

Admit it.

The past two days I've walked in to 3 different stores that sell that alcohol for the sole reason of knowing how much cheaper it's going to be to drink next year.

On that note, I have a few hobbies and maybe one or two of them have sort of died out in the last year because of it hasn't been available to me. I love football, I refresh the same football site on my computer atleast 30 times a day and I get other football updates frequently sent to my phone. I also like listening to music that makes you think and then switching to a movie that makes me think. I overthink everything and while it is a curse, it's a slight blessing.

I've known a certain girl(well, REALLY known her) for a little over a week now and already she knows more about me than some friends I've known for several years...the trust is there and she actually cares, she pulls it out of me. She makes talking easier and thats something I wish I knew how to find more in a person because I'm generally terrible anywhere but behind a computer screen.

The past week, though, I feel as though if I wanted to approach a few of the people I'd seen I think I would've been comfortable doing so. I don't know many icebreakers and I'm not going be one of those guys that says some bullshit half-assed question like "how about this weather?" Fuck the weather, tell me what you've accomplished in the last year. Tell me what you hope to be doing in 3 months.

Don't sell yourself short, guys. Just because no one tells you something great about yourself, it doesn't mean there isn't anything there.
Think about it, whens the last time you really got to know someone?
It's tough.
Make sure everyone you meet knows who you are, they can either help you, hurt you or leave you alone but atleast you won't have the mystique of not knowing what their like.

I am so fucking redundant.

I'm under the radar here.
I'm pretty down but I'm pretty fucking upbeat about it.
I get myself in sticky situations that have great rewards at awful prices but you know what?

It's fucking worth it, it is so so so great and I don't care if I am in way over my head.

Today

I think I've gone through almost every emotion possible and it's made me feel really sick. I woke up happy, invested and excited and then as the day grew on I was just irritated, annoying and impatient. It's pretty typical of me to find out something great or have something great happen and just go on the notion, which works sometimes but in certain situations, I'm really fucking with myself. I don't remember much of this week because I've been drunk or dazed out, which despite what I say or what you usually read here - isn't common for me. I'm getting forgetful, I'm getting careless and I'm getting angry. I just start to think, start to wonder what I'm doing and what my real goal is? Realistically how good can this actually be, how can it last and how can it work?
As much as I'd love to get specific and leave you with nothing to wonder, I can't...this is something about how I feel all of the time.

Two nights ago I wrote about how happy I was, how progressive things were and how over anything I was and I am. I just have days, I have thoughts and I get new feelings every other minute(so it seems) that really brings me down and tears me up.
I think when I get good news I mask a lot the obvious bad parts by highlighting the good and while I'd rather be content than be whatever I was in November, I'm concerned. There is always a catch, I guess and eventually at some point all the chips will fall into place. I've got my priorities and I've got the people I feel like I need, I've had that going for awhile now and I can't see a total relapse unless things get fucked up.

I want to teach myself how to keep things simple, laid back and meaningless because while I do have 2 or 3 things that I actually care about, I obsess and stress over them way too much. Things change, shit happens and I lose interest too easily.

I'm a happy mess, I feel strung out, I look like I haven't slept in days and I feel like I have no reason to ever rest anyway.
I've gotten that taste of real life that I missed so much.
If I can work a 'real job', a 'fake job' and still live so reckless and young I need to because I kept myself locked up here too long. I'm absolutely sick of knowing everything about myself and I want to learn about everyone else, see what we have to share, see what we can talk about over drinks, see what weird mannerisms come out when they aren't sober.

I want to finish with this:
I know exactly who I am, I know exactly who I see myself being when I'm older. I turn 20 in a week but I've got more plans and plot twists for my life than anyone else I know and I know a few people who know exactly what they want to do and are on their way to doing it. I know what I want in a person, I know what I want in a friend and I know what I want from a relationship. I put everything about me out there for anyone, not just friends, not just family, to see and while it makes me vulnerable and an easy target, I don't care. I'm not lying to myself and I'm not lying to you.
I feel like I could easily be billed as "the most amazing person you will never get to know" and for that I feel terrible.
Most people don't get the space that I did to figure everything out and put it all together. A year ago I'd tell you that you shouldn't be talking to me, I'm a terrible guy that only wants a few things. A year later I'm an entirely different person with entirely different people in my life. Fuck what you heard, fuck what has been said and don't go to other people to figure out the kind of guy I am.

I am always right here, I will always be right here. I never turn down a conversation and I never turn down a chance to learn and to grow. As much as I just wrote about how my instincts have been making me go through vicious mood swings lately, I need to trust them.

I'm hurt, I feel good, but I'm hurt and whenever something comes along its brief and its only a temporary fix.
I need to find something better than good enough because I've done a lot of fucking up and a lot of hurting but I deserve someone to love and someone to invest in.

I am at my peak, if there was ever a time for anyone to know me or get to know me its now. I'll never be any better, I can only fall from where I am right now and while I apologize for the arrogance in this, I have a few well respected friends who will back me on it.

Avalon

from Anthony Green is somehow a really great cd. really simple, really relaxing.

anyway, sorry I've been busy the past 3 days. Apparently I can actually hang out and have a good time with people, as opposed to just sitting here talking about how much I miss it.

I need to sleep.

Wrong.

I was almost sure that working 10 hours a week at the House as opposed to 40-60 would ensure that other people would have to do their work and it wouldn't get left for me.

Whoa!

I'll be 20 in almost a little over 2 weeks and it pains me that I couldn't get out to restock my alcohol supply this week.
I just read over that and realized how much it doesn't make sense.
Oh well, regardless. I'll be 20 and I don't really think that I ever thought or imagined I'd be in such a good spot when I was 20.
I have a steady job that - in theory - should take me through December. I have a summer job that is already more demanding than it should be but in a month or two I'll be sort of phased out, so it'll be more relaxing and I just feel like things are budding. The chips are falling into place, so to speak.
I'm very excited to go away to Ocean City for a week. Regardless of the fact that besides Chris, I won't really know/want to be around anyone I'm going with I feel like its something I've needed. I miss the up all night, story telling, interaction. I don't get it too much anymore. Maybe on Fridays and Saturdays if I'm lucky.

Lets put this in perspective: Alex Kahan is a fucking awesome dude, how come I'm never with him?
Fro or no fro, he is still top notch. best regards.

OH. I almost forgot.
My brother in law(almost brother in law?) brought home blueberry beer last weekend and I had one(or two?) and they it was awesome.

Speaking of awesome, heres a few you can ponder:
New The Chariot/MeWithoutYou cd's soon.
Alcohol.
Money.
Stable jobs.
Set schedules.
Awesome people.
Girls that hold conversations
and finally, Party Drugs. Party drugs are sick, kid.

Last thing on the docket: I haven't thought about you in 2 weeks now, so thank you for everything you said.
Now if I could only stop thinking about the other 'you'. You're super and I'm an idiot.

New Conor Oberst.

I woke up at 4 to realize that there isn't a baseball game tonight. fail.
Fortunately, I'm very awake and I got to listen to the new Conor Oberst cd. mmm.

Busy night, lets hope I don't lock my keys in my car again. mm wings.

Low fuel.

The morning commute was fucking terrible. 45 minutes to get home. so now it is nearing 10am and I still am not ready to sleep.
I sincerely hope 5 hours will be enough.

Also, tonight's shift will consist of burning 'best of' and/or discographies of most artists on my itunes and emptying the paper bin.

Goodnight, I'll see you at 4pm

A lyric

from Worse Than Alone:

"A smile I can't perfect.
A figure I can't figure out.
A weight heavily on my mind.

But I love my life and I'll drink to that."

hit home.

4:47

It says something about my attention span that the top 3 most played songs on itunes are 1-3 minutes long. No, they aren't my favorites either.

Check out Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. Really honest stuff.

I

Have blog.

I will use this sometimes.
My good friend Paul Salvi has one, so I needed one.

Nick and I started the most amazing band in the world. We will change the way you think about life. We will eat your siblings.